rustypants speaks

pumpkin patches.

we love ‘em.

in the midwest, they’re everywhere. and every year we go search for The Pumpkin. in the patch. we get our shoes muddy, our hands dirty, and trudge through the rows looking for just the right one.

two sundays ago i hit google and searched for a pumpkin patch near pensacola. and in a 4 county range, there was only one. excited we were! hitched up the dog we did! loaded the address into the GPS and into the car we got!

and drove. and drove. and drove some more.

until finally, the GPS said, “turn left” - and we did. and hit a freaky dirt road.

and drove down the dirt road we did. and drove. and drove. seemingly into the middle of nowhere.

dirt flying, no living creatures anywhere (except for this turkey vulture chowing down on a tasty smooshed armadillo), we began to worry.

until!

until the GPS says, “turn left” and we look. and there is nothing but a closed road. and a sign saying, “road closed.” and it looks like it’s been closed a good while. and it’s the very road that the pumpkin patch is on.

we exchange glances.
we yell at the GPS.
the dog whines.
the dust settles.
we shrug.

and we kept going. and going. and going.

and at long last we hit asphalt. and 20 yards later?

the road. it’s a loop! woo-hoo! pumpkin patch, here we come!!

and 2 miles later?

dead end.

bummed we were! the great pumpkin will not reward us with candy! auggghhhh!!!!

what’s with florida and no pumpkin patches??

while ordering treats for the dog today online

i almost ordered a bag of beef pizzle

but then i thought:

ow! ouch!! gaaah!!!

no, thanks.

answer #3: they take their big dogs to the bayview dog park down on the bay.

officially, dogs are not allowed on the beach down at pensacola beach. why? oh, i can think of some untrained / violent dog reasons as well as some stupid / uncaring / irresponsible owner reasons, but generally we disagree with this rule.

when we’re feeling compliant, however, we hit bayview. and today that’s what dolby and i did.

he does love to swim, that’s for sure. when we first moved here he didn’t know that he knew how to swim, so he was timid and very hesitant about getting in. now, however, he bounds in like a crazy mutt. for the hour+ we were there, he hardly took a step OUT of the water.

dolby’s a funny dog - he’s a big boy but he is also OWNED by most other dogs - even tiny ones. but when he’s in the water playing with his fire hose toy: bitch, please! you best keep your jaws OFF my bizness!

that big dog in the middle picture was trying to get a little too close and dolby stepped up! the dog backed down! i was shocked! amazed! proud!

at any rate, here in hot, summery p-cola, teachers take their dogs to the dog park for a cool swim.

our dog, dolby, is a notorious toy killing beast whose irrational squeaky and fluffy toy mauling has been documented extensively in photo, video, and documentary formats. his apparent delight in the senseless slaughter of expensive toys knows no bounds and we have been reduced to giving him barbed wire and bricks to play with in lieu of store bought toys.

his most famous exploit was dramatized with gruesome visuals in this post from August of 2006: Mandibles of Death Indeed

when we take him to other peoples’ homes, they are warned in advance to put any cute toys high above his reach. we’ve even had to replace other dogs’ toys due to his ripping and shredding. every six months or so we try and buy him another of these toys, only to watch with wonder as he decimates his prey/toy in record time.

so it’s with great surprise that i report: dolby has a girlfriend.

over the holidays, we took dolby with us to my brother’s house - he has two dogs who are spoiled with more toys than most children receive in a lifetime (sorry guys - i don’t mean this in a mean way - more in a jealous way). jason offered me a trash bag full of toys that his dogs were finished with. i reluctantly took it, knowing we’d not be able to take them all down to p-cola with us.

so we took 8 or so of the toys out and left the rest at the house. one of the toys was a blonde girl doll (builder bob’s girlfriend, i think) and dolby is smitten.

he’s had this thing for over two weeks now and has not destroyed it yet. even more than that: he carries it around the apartment with him, uses it as a pillow, nibbles on her hair, licks her, cleans her, throws her around and chases after her.

but no mauling. no destruction.

what caused this change of heart? do devil dogs prefer blondes? has the puppy been beaten out of our two year old dog? has he simply found a toy that will be his new security blanket? is the moon in the house of virgo and the stars are in position, temporarily, so that our dog has mellowed out until a future misalignment of the planets?

dunno, but i can’t stop laughing at what a goof he is with this silly little doll.

mile 50 (12-21-07):

dolby and i are on the road to cincinnati. lise flew to toledo on the 19th. i had school until 11am (when my principal, who could kick your principal’s butt, told me i could take off). i got home, loaded up dolby and we hit the road. we’re in the car chillin, although dolby’s not particularly happy after about 200 of the 750 miles. poor guy.

mile 750 (12-22-07):

it’s 2am. i’m dead. we arrive at the house after too many stops for pooping and eating and running around. dolby’s thrilled. i’m just dead. everything’s vibrating.

mile 780 (12-22-07):

christmas dinner at my brother’s house in Monroe, Ohio. good time. good food. good company. debbie (sister-in-law)’s parents were there. my niece. my mom and her man. it was a good time. everything’s still vibrating.

mile 810 (12-23-07):

on the road again. this time 210 miles north to toledo to spend the day with lise’s family and pick her up to come down to the house. everyone was there but for her brother, sean, who has taken up long-haul trucking on a temporary basis to stockpile some cash and pay off some bills. he was missed, but we did have a good time! the picture to the right is NOT how i felt after 6 hours with the in-laws, but simply a mask one of my nephews left laying around. the switch is actually a comb. or is it? come a little closer, family!! muuuahahahahahaaaa…

mile 1245 (12-24-07):

had christmas eve dinner with my mom, her man, and my uncle. had a good time with untraditional christmas cooking that included some of the best potato soup i’ve ever had (even o’charley’s!). we played ping pong (got my butt kicked - damn this tennis elbow and carpal tunnel) and hung out for the evening.

mile 1290 (12-25-07):

christmas day was spent with my dad and his wife’s family - good food, good company again - i swear i’ve gained 4-5 lbs of the 50 i’ve lost back. gaah! we had a great time hanging out with everyone and catching up.

on the way there we stopped and bought Hot Fuzz, one of the funniest movies i’ve seen in all of 2007. seriously, i’ve not laughed like this over a movie in a long time. if you’ve not seen it, pbbbtthhh! jog on! mom had a coupon for hollywood video, and we got the thing for $7 and change. woo!

mile 1331 (12-26-07):

my friend mark meyers and his excellently cool wife melinda came in from minneapolis, MN and they spent the day with us on wednesday - i miss mark a lot. and his excellently cool wife is so excellently cool! we hung out, grabbed mexican food, drove to mt. adams and snapped disturbing photos of misunderstood minnesota rituals (such as the one at left, “face licking”) and concluded our day by playing simpson’s monopoly (how did this end? well, let’s just say that when lise tried to set mark up for the win, melinda and i formed an air-tight alliance and brought mark down to his knees). we were sad to see them go, but then SOMEONE has to go back to minnesota and freeze their asses off for the local economy.

that evening, several of our kids (ha ha - they ain’t “kids” anymore - “college attending adults”) from youth group past came over (including rocky and racecarr, seen left) for pizza, hilarity, hot fuzz (the movie, duh), and lots of talking. i’m so proud of these kids that i could pop. i love hearing about how growing up, college, jobs, etc. are going. rocky and i talked long into the evening about politics, school, christianity, and family - it was a great time.

mile 1402 (12-27-07):

today was a day of running around, relaxing a bit, making a trip to steve and barry’s for some shirts and stuff, getting things done around the house, and seeing my mom. lise got her old small group together and went out to dinner, then back to the house for fun, food, and games. they had a great time! christy came over that night for a couple hours and filled us in on her life and times, and then we kicked her out to get some sleep.

mile 1474 (12-28-07):

mom and i went to jungle jim’s today and bought staples (read: sauces and stuff you can’t get anywhere else, at least not in p-cola) and had donato’s for lunch. this evening was spent over at my brother’s house in Middletucky, OH with the family. definitely a good time eating, talking, and playing Rock Star. there exists some footage of my dad playing this game that will no doubt end up on youtube at some point.

mile 1540 (12-30-07):

back on the road again. i’ve said this before, i’ll say it again: i’m getting too old for this shit. driving 750 miles in one clip is too much for my ragged old body. but here we are again. the house is cleaned up and taken off the market. everything’s shut down and put away. the car’s been packed since the night before. the dog sits in the back seat looking sad (HE knows it’s 12 hours cooped up in the cramped car) and i’m getting ready to eat a blackberry jam cake muffin leftover from the previous weeks partying.

mile 2263 (12-31-07):

the drive is as long and painful as anticipated but it’s good to be home. we pull in late on the night of the 30th, unpack the car and pass out where we land. first thing next morning, we log mile 2263, ending at pensacola beach where it’s in the mid 60’s. the water’s warm, the air is warm, and the company is just right. we’ve had a great holiday visiting with family and friends that we sorely miss. now it’s good to be home and relaxing together before the craziness of real life returns.

“…but he’s a good dog!”

“oh, i’m sure of that!” the prosecution sneered. “is it not true that on two separate occasions this holiday season, your ‘good dog’ barked viciously at the lord jesus?”

“uh, well, um… that would be difficult as the lord is in heaven, right?” i asked hesitatingly.

“your insolence will not be tolerated, nor will the anti-holiday, anti-jesusness of your mangy mutt! your dog had the trained inclination to growl and bark at the graven images of the lord jesus in two separate manger scenes! confess your dogs’ sins and this court will go easier on you!”

“ok, look. my dog did, in fact, bark at the image of jesus in two different manger scenes this past week but…”

“ah HAH!!! you’ve been caught! your honor, this heretic has confessed and i demand swift and appropriate justice!”

“…but wait. let me explain.”

“oh, you need not explain, you perverted anti-jesus lunatic!”

“no, no, no! please understand: my dog isn’t barking at jesus per se, he’s barking at the nerve that some people have in thinking they can depict the lord in a certain fashion - to pigeonhole him, as it were. these WASP-y images of jesus are not only grossly inaccurate, they also go against carving images of god and worshiping them (as you seem to be doing with this prosecution). my dog simply wants christmas to be taken back to the important things and less on the worshiping of physical things like images, money, presents, etc. surely you can agree with that!?”

“were you just doing your mr. know-it-all routine there and making all that up on the spot?”

“um. yeah. ha. haha. pretty good, huh?”

“send him and his dog to the brig!”

“for what am i being punished?”

this past saturday was our 17th anniversary and we decided to celebrate pensacola style.

we slept in that morning (always a good thing!) and lounged around a bit before taking off. we gathered the dog and his stuff up and took off in the car for the afternoon.

our first stop was J’s Pastry Shop on the east side of town (about a dozen blocks from my school). J’s has been rumored to have the best sweets and pastries in all of p-cola and lise and i have to concur: if you’re in the area and you neglect to stop in on this icon of our town and treat yourself to a sweet, well you’re just plain crazy, i reckon. a couple maple walnut pastry thingies kept us held over while we skipped lunch.

we then took a drive around this area as it’s near escambia bay. almost all of the waterfront is taken by houses but it’s a pretty drive and the houses are gorgeous. there’s a dog park on this bay as well but i didn’t understand at the time that it was several miles further south than where we were. oh, well - dolby didn’t complain when we took him to my school playground and ran him around with the frisbee and sticks.

he’s a good dog and we love having him around. he loves his frisbee (to death) and running around like a nut is a specialty of his.

we got him plumb wore out (like my southern-speak here?) and hung out together a bit longer before cruising around a bit more and heading home to drop him off.

then the real party could begin.

we gathered all our beach things and hit the road to p-cola beach. we’ve been sad lately because of the early sunsets that prevent us from visiting the beach as much during the week. being on central time here has messed with our internal clocks - the sun sets around 4:45 and lise works til 5:00, so we’re limited for the next few months in when we get to sit and watch the sun go down and the waves crashing.

but watch we did - and get in, too.

the locals are funny in the way that temperatures hit the low 70’s and everyone says, “oh, beach season is over. bummer.” and they abandon the gulf. me? i don’t get it. we hadn’t intended on getting into the water but the conditions were right, the shells were washing up and down the water and there just was no denying the inalienable right to strip down to one’s underpants and get into the surf in the name of a couple cool seashells. my apologies to anyone offended by my boxers.

oh, hell. deal with it.

well, the water was a bit cold and really, for all the shells floating around out there, not a WHOLE lot was caught. but we had a good time. it was overcast so our evening sunset was somewhat canceled, but it was replaced by a cooler sight: a great blue heron that has been following us around on the beach the last couple weeks.

it was back in maryland where we first fell in love with great blues. they were all over the place - they live mainly in wetland areas on the east coast and there was plenty of wetland in our location. pensacola is a semi-tropical region and has a good amount of wetland areas as well.

this heron has flown up within 10 yards of us several times in the last few weeks and it’s an awe inspiring thing to see. most herons we’ve ever even gotten within 20-30 yards of have flipped out and taken off. not this guy. the above picture was taken with him about 15 feet from where we were standing. he stood still long enough for me to take this shot and a couple blurry others, then walked off. we were also rewarded with a brief flash of color in the sky behind him before the sun disappeared for good. we spent a little time reflecting on all the things we’ve done over the last 17 years, watched the sky and the heron a bit more, then took off.

our last stop for the anniversary day was Landry’s Seafood House. we’re not rich folks and we don’t go out eating expensive chow very often, but for special occasions, you’ve got to splurge a bit. landry’s serves some delicious seafood with a very nice, attractive but informal atmosphere. service has been great each time we’ve gone and this night was no different. lise’s mahi-mahi was good and my broiled seafood platter was exceptional. topping it all off was a free piece of chocolate erection cake (ok, ok - it’s actually “chocolate eruption but we shared a huge laugh with the server when we went on lise’s birthday when she talked about another server who kept mispronouncing the name of the cake to customers - it’s stuck and we can’t stop laughing about it). this 7-layer chocolate beast came swimming in a delicious custard sauce that was out of this world.

decency laws and basic respect prevent me from posting pictures of what happened next when we got home, but you can imagine that after 17 years together, we’ve learned how to have a good time. it was a great day and it’s been a great 17 years.

can’t wait to see how the next 17 years unfold.

dolby and i went to the beach together last week and hung out. he’s a good companion - i let him off his leash and he never goes more than 15 yards from me, responds well even with distractions, enjoys the water, the sand, and pieces of flotsam.

we sat together and watched the sun go down after a particularly silly crazy-dog session of running, fetching, rolling around in the sand (”making sand-angels,” we say), walking into the water and sitting down, chasing plovers, etc.

and on this night, he did something funny.

unless he’s laying down, dolby’s an active dog. he rarely just “sits still” in an upright position without moving. i had been taking pictures of the sunset and the water as i sat and i turned to see what he was up to - he was sitting completely motionless, watching the sky.

now for those photography buffs among you, you know that when the sun is gone and the sky is clear, long exposures are a must. for those non-photography folk, this means that any movement at all typically ruins the shot and the moving object is blurred. i took about 15 shots of dolby from various positions and angles with a 1/2 exposure and an f-stop of 2.7 - the shot to the left is one of the best and it’s a pretty cool picture, if you want to know what i think.

dolby’s done quite well transitioning from a city dog to a seadog, but i’ll admit:

when he sits like this and stares at the sky, i can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking.

“i miss my backyard. i miss having the whole house to run around in. where are the girls who used to come over and scritch and scratch me and spoil me? how long are we going to be in that tiny apartment? is it going to snow down here? will i get to chase snowballs again? where the hell are all the squirrels?”

and i cry a little because i know i’m homesick.

i miss my family. i miss my friends. i miss my house. why are things happening like this? how long are we going to be stuck in this tiny apartment? where’s my comforting familiarity?

what a see-saw.

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as mentioned in posts of days past, dolby, our big dumb black lab, doesn’t as much “play” with toys as “hunts, pounces, dismembers, and eats” them. given the expense that is required to keep him in squeaky toys, we’ve pretty much resorted to bricks and barbed wire as his only toy source.

and then i found a toy we’d bought for him months ago.

he was bored. so was i.

and it wasn’t long before we were having a blast ripping, tearing, chewing, and annihilating this toy. dolby’s lethargy instantly left his body and he was transformed into a terrifying jungle beast bent on the disemboweling of his prey.

watching my fun-loving puppy morph into the creature capable of giving me the “step off, mo-fo, you in my space” look you see to the left is quite a sight. an hour of pleasure was had by all as he retrieved the first of four squeakers and a mound of stuffing. we played some fetch, he ripped and rended, i shot some pics, some more shredding and mauling was done.

and then it was over.

we both pooped out on the floor and watched Oprah.

such is the life of the suburban feral mutt.

i call this one: “dolby catching snowflakes”

much has been made of the fact that my dog, dolby, has mandibles of death when it comes to toys. as an eight month old black lab, he doesn’t as much “play” with toys as hunt them down and kill them.

we’ve decided to follow in the footsteps of Timothy Leary, who, upon learning he was dying from prostate cancer, videotaped his final dying months.

last night at 2200 hours we gave dolby the Dr. Noy’s supposedly somewhat indestructible plush teddy bear toy you see to the right.

cute, isn’t he?

he was, at least. by 2300 hours, the cute, somewhat indestructible teddy bear was already being torn to shreds. what follows is a pictorial review of the subsequent 25 hours. be warned: it’s not for the faint of heart.

click on individual pics for clarity and hour-by-hour captions.

after spending $22.00 on two of these toys (the other was a sheep whose grisly fate was met even quicker than the bear’s), not to mention incalculable amounts of money on other fun squeaky toys, i think we’re just going to give dolby bricks and barbed wire to chew on and play with.

my new motto: indestructible? HAHAHAHAHAA

click to see dolby a bit bigger.

got home with no problems! already sniffing around in things we’re gonna have to move around. very goofy and playful - we’re having fun exploring the house together - him finding things he shouldn’t and me finding things i need to move. hah!

more pics later.

lise and i took the plunge this weekend and went to visit a labrador retriever rescue here in cincinnati. we had talked for months about getting a dog but never very seriously. this past week we decided to go for it - we wanted to get one from a rescue and this one seems like a great group of folks.

i was up late thursday night filling out the 4 page application - we figured it would be a couple weeks before we heard anything and got through the process of interviewing, etc. hah! friday morning we got the word that we were approved and we could come saturday and visit!

the first two dogs we wanted to see (Cassidy and Aero) were not going to work out for us. :-( we had decided before going that we weren’t up to getting a puppy (too young, too much training, not house broken, wanted an adult dog that maybe no one else would want) but we were willing to look at them. BIG MISTAKE!

Dolby was adorable. of the 8 puppies they brought out (all at the same time) dolby was the sweetest, most laid back and cool dog of the bunch.

we didn’t bring him home yet - he’s being *ahem* “fixed” this week - between that and our need to dogproof the house (and buy lots of stuff for him), we’ll be picking him up on friday.

excitement! nervousness! happiness! fear!

make an appointment to come see him next weekend.