rustypants speaks

we were 17. we were young, stupid, and bored.

scott and i managed to swipe a bottle of old granddad and were out on a saturday night, mercifully without a curfew. we’d been driving, without the drinking, but now our master plan was to be enacted.

we pulled into the I-275 theater on the east side of cincinnati where every saturday night was a midnight showing of some concert film.

tonight’s film?

pink floyd’s The Wall. we’d been singing it in the car at the top of our lungs for the past year or so but had never seen the movie.

we sat in the parking lot and hit the bottle for a while, getting a buzz on. and then went a bit further.

we bought our tickets, grabbed seats in the mostly empty theater and settled in for what we were sure was going to be an incredible, mind-altering ride through one of the greatest albums ever made.

and all i can say now, even 23 years after the fact, is this:

the shaving scene had us stuttering like sylvester in a crazy, mouse-infested haunted house.

we were still twitching while the credits were rolling.

i never drank old granddad again.

the movie still disturbs me.

yeeeesh!!

my campaign for Teacher of the Year folded up its tent 2 weeks ago after a long, arduous journey. along the way, i enlisted the help of our school librarian to start a fake smear campaign just so we could have a bit of fun with it. unknown to me at the time, she was planning her own campaign! a third teacher got in on the act, and by election day, a full-on battle was brewing for the hearts and affections of the staff.

on the day of the vote, i sent out this final push to my school:

My friends -

Early poll results are showing a precipitous drop in support for my candidacy for Teacher of the Year. Must I cross my fingers and reiterate my capricious campaign promises from last week? Is that Crow woman able to sway your support so easily? This smear campaign waged by my opponent is a distortion of the exemplary record I manufactured and have run on these five days.

Do you really want a year of being represented by some librarian who dyes her hair blue? Or a science teacher with ray bans making what is surely some secret sign of the devil with his fingers?

Please: consider the alternatives, then reach the only acceptable conclusion: this hearing impaired, ESE-teaching, Ohio Yankee transplant representing our fine school would show a tolerance and acceptance not seen in other schools. Consider the barriers we can break and the unity we can build… together as I reach across the aisle and work with my non-hearing-impaired, Southern counterparts.

Thank you for your support, and God bless the PF Eagles -

Scott Rust

sadly, this final push came to naught, and finally, after the dust settled and the votes were counted, none of the three of us won - a much more worthy teacher took top prize. my concession email was sent the following day:

My friends, we have come to the end of a long journey. The PFHS staff have spoken, and they have spoken clearly. A little while ago, I had the honor of emailing ____ ______ to congratulate her on being elected the next Teacher of the Year of the school that we both love.

I am so deeply grateful to all of you for the great honor of your support and for all you have done for me. I wish the outcome had been different, my friends. I hope for a kinder, gentler Pine Forest with a thousand points of light. A kinda mavericky school. And today, I call on all Eagles to not despair of our present difficulties but to believe always in the promise and greatness of PFHS, because nothing is inevitable here. Furthermore, I pledge to do all in my power to help Ms. ______ lead us through the many challenges we face.

In closing, I offer you my final 2008 TotY Campaign poster and pray you will print it, post it, and always remember the year that a Deaf Yankee ESE teacher was candidate for the highest office in PFHS.

Thank you, and God bless you, and God bless PFHS.

Scott

there’s always next year!

there he is!

he’s tempting fate by dancing on the head of an angel!

bad satan sockpuppet!!

ATTENTION ALL CHRISTIANS:

THE WORLD IS NOT SCHEDULED TO END YET!

PLEASE TAKE A BREATH!

(and maybe a pill)

kthxbye.

thursday in my box at school was a half-sheet of paper on which we were to nominate our school’s Teacher of the Year. i was a bit thrown because i’m new this year and know very few people - how am i to make a rational decision on this? and the nominations were due by friday - holy cow!

“nominate yourself!” i thought to myself. a few minutes of deliberation and a few more minutes to formulate an email launching my one-day campaign and i was on the campaign trail! the following email was sent to the entire school:

From: Scott Rust
Subject: If you vote for me as Teacher of the Year…

…I promise to:

- Lower your taxes
- Increase departmental budgets
- Give each teacher a laptop
- Demand an additional 10 days leave per year
- Maintain defense spending for PFHS
- Boost technology spending (SmartBoards for EVERYONE!)
- Wash your car each Friday before 3:35
- Put mints on your desk each morning
- Negotiate a treaty with Russia
- Guarantee each printer and copier has toner / ink
- Eliminate behavior problems in the student body
- Research self-writing referrals
- Switch to a robo-call system for the Deans making phone calls home

My platform goals can be found at:

http://www.scottrust4PFHS-TotY.com/

Thank You, and God Bless PFHS -

Scott

the response was insane. i was inundated with pledges and promises of votes, and also fielded other requests to add to my campaign promises. after some discussion with my advisers, a second email was sent at the end of the day:

From: Scott Rust
Subject: Amendment to my campaign

My constituents have spoken and I have heard your pleas!

I offer the following amendments to my campaign promises:

I will:
- Increase teacher planning periods to three periods a day
- Offer increased support and funding to the Guidance Department, as well as Snickers bars daily
- Demand A’s from all students and offer “alternate educational opportunities” for any student not meeting this goal
- Triple the ESE department’s budget

Thank you for your support!

support emails continued to flood my mailbox. then last night i had an epiphany: a campaign poster! holy cow!

fifteen minutes later, my flyer was ready to be unleashed on the unsuspecting populace. this morning, the final email was sent:

From: Scott Rust
Subject: Final Push for Teacher of the Year Campaign

My Fellow Eagles -

Today marks a precipitous time in our school’s history. Students are unruly. Pay is stagnant. Benefits are being threatened. There exists no covered parking for teachers. Starbucks does not flow freely in our offices. Referrals don’t write themselves. And as I was campaigning yesterday, Kevin the Science Teacher echoed a sentiment we all share: I Want a Porsche!

Your vote for me as Teacher of the Year will guarantee a turnaround in these egregious conditions. My capricious promises will be fulfilled with your support!

Attached is a FREE CAMPAIGN POSTER that is suitable for framing, reminding you daily of my promises and good looks. Additionally, it can be used to wrap fish and line bird cages.

Vote early and vote often!

Scott
the ESE Lang. Arts Teacher

sometimes i just have too much fun with things.

now to write my acceptance speech!

there he is! he’s having a little chat with Jesus about that
whole “cast into a herd of pigs” incident!

where is satan sockpuppet today?

why there he is! on the beach soaking up some rays
after a long day harvesting souls!

the boa constrictor song was stuck in my head for several days last week.

it’s only fair to share it with you. (just click on the Audio MP3 button below to listen)

Download The Boa Constrictor Song - Peter, Paul and Mary

conversation with my dad at a vietnamese restaurant this past saturday:

*sign on counter: No Longer Accepting Checks*

Dad: That’ll disappoint Lech Walensa.
Me: The dude who coached Nadia Comaneci? He’s Romanian.

as a boy, our backyard contained a myriad of flowers and plants thanks to my parents’ green thumbs. one gorgeous flower we had is known as the 4 o’clock plant. it looks like this:

but the seeds were what were fun to my little brother and i. they looked like little hand grenades and to get to them you had to squeeze the pod of the plant and it would pop open! way cool! the seeds look like this:

we loved to go into the yard and frolic and play, popping 4 o’clock seed pods and pretending they were grenades, throwing them at each other and our friends.

it was all in good fun until the day one of the seeds blew up in poor ralph’s hand.

cruel mother nature.

doing camp as a youth minister was almost always a hugely fun thing. a week of craziness, fun, fellowship, music, teaching, games, sloppy olympics, teams, competitions, points, one-upping, late nights, and fun relationships.

and vomit.

lise and i did senior high camp at west river in maryland every summer for 5 or 6 years. as camps go, this place was awesome. our fellow leaders were great. the camp leadership was great. the kids who showed up every summer were great. and we always had competitions. kids were broken into teams and points were given in an archaic manner for all sorts of things: winning games, singing songs, random acts of kindness, answering questions, being creative, bringing blow pops for the camp director, asking nicely, etc. the amount of points given were generally arbitrary making the system of awarding them all the more difficult to comprehend.

but at the end of the week, a trophy was given to the team with the most points, so to say there was fierce competition for them is an understatement.

but vomit - no, the first vomit - that was like, the holy grail of points.

we always said that if someone didn’t puke at camp, we weren’t doing our jobs very well.

the year was 2002. it was the third day of camp and we had yet to have any confirmed reports of hurling. tensions were running high as we put our heads together to come up with some gross sort of game that would surely produce the puke we so desired.

but it all proved unnecessary.

as the camp pastor and photographer, i was a popular guy. kids always want their pics taken, right? this particular morning, one young man, whose name is long forgotten, came up to me and said, “scott - you need to stay close by! i’m going to puke for you and i want you to get it on film!” “how are you planning on doing this?” i asked. “i’m drinking a dozen pints of white milk in about 15 minutes. that’s SURE to make me hurl good!” and who was i to argue? every camp-goer knows the rule about humans being unable to drink a gallon of milk in such a short amount of time without the body going into upheaval.

15 minutes later, this kid is looking green. the milk is having its effect and he’s about ready to blow. literally.

he jumps out of his seat, runs out of the dining hall in the middle of games and announcements, positions himself outside at a ninety degree angle, hands on knees, and checks to make sure i’m ready.

and as he puked his guts out, i snapped what must be the greatest camp picture of all time.

it was picture perfect: the solid stream, the intertwining tendrils, the light splatter and eventual pooling of regurgitated milk - of the hundreds of photos i’ve shot in the many years of senior high camp, i kid you not: this is the transcendent picture. pulitzer-worthy? you decide.

he got TONS of points for this, as well he should’ve. that level of dedication to pukedom and senior high camp is rarely found in today’s youth.

scott went into the air force right out of high school. that we kept in touch was pretty amazing, given both of our personalities and lack of letter-writing skills, but hey - we were best friends! (still are!)

so at some point, he’s stationed in okinawa, japan for the long haul. i was living in some crap apartment in mt. washington that had an annual fly problem that resulted in literally dozens and dozens of drunk flies that appear in the apartment, sit on the patio door for 2 days, and promptly die.

in a fit of brilliance, i scoop up a dozen or so dead flies, put them in a little tiny plastic baggie, stick it in an envelope with a note inside the baggie saying, “genuine ohio shitflies,” and send it off.

months later, i get a letter from scott telling me the reason it’s taken him so long to write was that he was imprisoned for introducing a foreign organic substance onto japanese soil, how this is illegal in that part of the world, and the consequences could have been worse.

and me - i stopped breathing for a minute and my heart skipped a couple beats. i was floored that i had gotten him into that much trouble sending him a baggie of joke shitflies.

at the end of the letter, knowing i’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, he tells me he’s “shitting” me and ha-ha-ha.

i’ve never been so relieved and so wanting to kill someone as at that exact moment.

after a year here in pensacola, we finally got rid of our ohio license plates and went full floridian. i’ve never seen a state with so many license plate choices, though, and lise had to spend some time figuring out which one she wanted.

i knew what i was after the first time i saw this plate a year ago. the colors! the sunset! the water! dolphins don’t hurt, either. (yes, i had to include my fish n chips logo, too. sorry. it goes with the motif, no?)

lise spent some time checking out the myriad of plate choices and finally went with this one:

what, exactly, is the message she is trying to send? on the surface, “save our seas” she would tell you. deep down? i think she wants to swim with sharks and take a bite outta something, just for fun. maybe it’s “tailgate me and you’ll sleep with fishes!”

florida definitely has the rockingest plates we’ve seen thus far - i will say that the john lennon plate is taking it a bit far, however… (it HAS raised almost $700,000 to combat hunger in the state - maybe i ought to back off, eh?). thank goodness we didn’t become the most embarrassing state in the union with the “I Believe” plate that was threatened earlier this year. whew! crisis averted!

as a kid, i remember going through my dad’s record collection and playing a little of everything. he had a cool box that was big enough to hold a number of 45’s (or singles) - he had a card for each one and a short description included on the card - and he had a whole lot of stuff from when he was growing up (50’s and 60’s).

one in particular that will always remain lodged in my brain was called Delicious! and it featured Jim Backus, of Gilligan’s Island / Mr. Magoo fame.

it was the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard. lush, romantic piano background, corks popping, inebriated individuals laughing, carrying on and on and on…

i remember as a kid listening to this and laughing hysterically! dad would listen, too, and he would laugh as well and by the end we couldn’t stop!

and i still can’t help but laugh with them. it’s so damn funny. and stupid.

but it would be unfair of me to tell you about this and not share, so click below on the Audio MP3 button to hear the actual 45 of Delicious! but please listen responsibly - do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of Backus and crew.

Download Delicious!

i’m in cincinnati for a couple days hanging out with family, celebrating birthdays, driving to toledo to get lise, and having a good time in the cooler weather.

saturday was a birthday party over at my aunt diane’s house - my cousin chris and her astute, five-year-old offspring camden came in from south bend. cam and i had some interesting conversations about coinslots, cute girls, and tattoos. while creating artistically stunning designs using rubber stamps, cam and i gave each other some gnarly tats of our own.

i gave cam a snoopy tat, thinking that snoopy’s free-wheeling, fun disposition matched his and would make a definite statement to the world about what he’s all about.  i dropped, popped, and locked that sucker right on his face and we were both quite pleased with the result.

cam chose a flower tattoo for me. i can only imagine that he was thinking that my budding optimism, my flowery opinion of the human condition, my blooming love for all God’s creatures, the spring in my step, the buzz of creativity flying through my mind - i must match that flower and by golly i’m gonna wear it proudly!

the rest of the afternoon was spent showing off our sweet tats, having mini-food fights, teaching each other new tricks and phrases, and taking pictures. when we parted, cam and i agreed to never have laser surgery done to remove our gifts to each other, and would always proudly display them to all we encountered! it was a heartwarming, uplifting show of love and admiration for each other and the bond we had formed.

my hopes and dreams were dashed the following morning. my assumption that we had used permanent ink shows my naivete - my tat was last seen circling the drain in the shower. the memories are fading. my pride, collapsed.

cam - it’s time to come visit pensacola.

a couple years ago, while attending a youth minister’s conference in atlanta, i got to see cannibal corpse in concert. they were playing at the masquerade. i knew i was in trouble when the lead singer said in a very soft-spoken, southern drawl, “this is a song i wrote about chopping my girlfriend’s head off with a rusty hacksaw and having sex with her neck. it goes something like this…”and then launched into the most aggressive and awful rock song i’ve ever heard. the crowd went(?) nuts and i was thinking i might be killed.

secretly, though, i was having fun. i mean, cannibal corpse!!!

i was once shushed by the librarian at the gallaudet university library for being too loud.

when i asked if that wasn’t a bit like a blind kid getting scolded for sticking his tongue out at another blind kid, i was warned & shushed again.

dang, the library police at those libraries for the deaf are tough!

or is benjamin linus really jon weatherly?

linus: the leader of The Others
weatherly: refers to the other CCU profs as “those others”

linus: buggy eyed
weatherly: bugs eyes out at incredulous statements

linus: condescendingly sarcastic
weatherly: well, duh

linus: asks cryptic questions that rarely get answers from dumbfounded captives
weatherly: asks cryptic questions that dumb students don’t know the answers to

linus: is cruel to his captives
weatherly: routinely abuses students trapped in his courses

linus: uses classical conditioning to train his captives and underlings
weatherly: uses classical conditioning to train his students and underlings

linus: always has a way out planned in case of emergency
weatherly: thinks several steps ahead of the present situation “just in case”

linus: has lived his whole life on an island
weatherly: thinks he is an island unto himself

linus: ends up in Tunisia
weatherly: likes dizzy gillespie’s A Night in Tunisia

linus: frequently uses aliases such as henry gale and dean moriarty
weatherly: frequently uses aliases such as SWNID and michael j. fox

linus: captured, imprisoned, and attempted to brainwash his daughter’s boyfriend to end the relationship
weatherly: promises much of the same for any boy trifling with his daughter

uncanny similarities.

i’m trapped at saturn of pensacola having some work done on the car, minding my own business.

well, trying to.

there are three unrelated people sitting in the waiting area talking at FULL VOLUME about things which they obviously know little or nothing about. it’s an opinion-fest and the person who talks the loudest and with the most faux “knowledge” wins.

topics thus far have included:

• the state of roads in pensacola
• the governmental infrastructure of michigan
• their relatives who have lived in this state or that state who say __________________ about __________________.
• the mindless talk show playing on the tv
• what state spends the least on its people

i don’t try and listen in on other people’s conversations. what makes my experience unique here is: my hearing (or the lack of it) prevents me from eavesdropping. i can’t eavesdrop on a conversation that i’m included in sometimes! but this one is coming through loud and clear. unwilling fly on the wall.

social cues, folks!

unfortunately, it sucks. bad.

a friend mentioned seeing a sign for A Taste of India (authentic indian cusine!!) at the ramada inn on scenic highway at I-10. a quick phone call confirmed that there was, in fact, a new restaurant there serving indian food!

woo-hoo! dance of joy!!

we spent the week planning our trip there for a saturday lunch. it was going to be pricey - much more than any other indian restaurant we’d ever been to: $9.99 for the lunch buffet. but hey, INDIAN FOOD!!

giddy excitement wouldn’t be exaggerating how we felt as we pulled into the parking lot. lise looked suspicious because there was nothing different about the place except the sign - but when we opened the door, oh my goodness - the smell of curry was in the air. suspicion gave way to our soon-to-be-happy rumbling stomachs.

and when we walked in…

…well, there wasn’t much of anything there. rice. chicken curry. lamb curry. dal makhani. cold naan. and salad. lots and lots of salad. find your own seat. get your own utensils and plates and napkins. it looked like we were supposed to get our own water, too, but the owner(?) came over and abruptly offered to get it for us.  limited sauces (2 peppery chutneys) meant there was little to do to spice up some of the most bland and boring curry we’ve ever had. the dal makhani was heavy and flat. the naan was cold and thin. the owner(?) abruptly comes over most of the way through our meal and loudly (did i mention abruptly) says, “the food is good, yes!” - please note the punctuation.

we were hoping for at least some kheer to work some of the flavorless food down at the end of the meal but it wasn’t meant to be. dessert choices were cored and candied whole apples or pineapple upside-down cake. it was the final nail in a disappointed coffin.

we go to pay, vowing never to return, when the owner(?) announces the cost will be $22.00 - then, as i hand him $25, says, “i keep the change, yes!”

i believe the look on my face must’ve prompted him to give us our change and stop talking.

look, i’m all for giving second chances to places having an off day, but this was flat-out awful. the price, the quality, the variety, the atmosphere, the attitude - there was nothing there that could convince me to try it again (and realize that the closest we can get to indian food anywhere else is 50+ miles away in mobile, alabama).

put that extra couple of dollars in your gas tank and drive to mobile - it’s worth every dime!

found this on the beach three weeks ago (6-8-08):

not timely, but still appropriate.

while out on the beach thursday afternoon a rather surprising fashion statement was being made perhaps 50 yards south of me.

now, i joke about going to the beach for the sights (babes?) but the reality is: i go to the very end of civilization on p-cola beach just to NOT have to endure the sights or the people or the noise. we are genuinely disappointed when there are other folks close by - not because we’re anti-social buttheads - we just enjoy an empty beach to ourselves.

so i’m sitting there sunning myself and reading a book and looking for the occasional seashell in the surf, basically minding my own business. out of the corner of my eye, i see some dude fishing. no big deal, right? but after he casts his reel, he’s making funny / big gestures with his arms - almost to draw attention to himself, it seems.

now on this particular day, i’d forgotten to put my contacts in, but it was a true double-take when i thought i saw what i thought i saw.

out comes the camera, zoom that sucker in for all it’s worth, and there it was.

the worst fashion statement i’ve ever seen on any beach anywhere.

and now my plea:

please, for the love of all things sacred, if you’re a fat middle aged man, with or without a huge butt-tattoo, DO NOT wear a man-thong to pensacola beach in the middle of the day.

now, in the interest of full-disclosure, i offer this: do i like to skinnydip in the gulf? yes, at times. at night. in the pitch black. far from civilization. away from anyone who might be subjected to the awful sight.

but never at noon on a beach where there are dozens and dozens of folks within view.

and finally: man-thongs? are you for real??

a diamante, written by mr. rust’s class:

flowers
small pretty
smelling blooming picking
they smell wonderful. they smell disgusting.
stinking tooting embarrassing
stanky nasty
farts

when you need to come up with two things that are opposites, what’s more opposite than flowers and farts? hey, you’ve got to do something to keep their interest!

conversation with the realtor the day we accepted the contract:

rakesh: so here’s how the numbers break down… $_,___ for my commission, $___ for the home warranty, $_,___ for the closing costs, $___ for title, etc…

scott: so rakesh, are you feeling a little guilty about taking so much money for selling the house when you sold it so quickly? i mean, i won’t begrudge you if you want to knock the commission in half…

rakesh: actually, don’t you think the commission ought to be even more than what it is? i mean, you hired me to sell your house as quickly as possible. i would say that 8 hours is about as quick as you’re going to get it.

scott: uh… er… say, where am i supposed to sign and initial?

met with the new realtor today and this is how the day went:

11am: realtor comes. we walk through the house. we sit and talk. we sign papers. we decide on a listing price ($10,000 less than we paid for it 5 years ago and $20,000 less than our original listing last year). he tells me he’s pretty sure it’ll end up selling for 5,000 to 8,000 less than we’re listing it. not good, but we’re at the point of making mortgage payments on a credit card. we’ve GOT to get rid of this house. everything must go. prices have been slashed!

noon: realtor tells me to work in the yard a bit and look at getting bids for having a shower installed in the first floor bathroom, plus a few other things. he tells me to try and get all this done by late next week.

5pm: after working in the yard most of the afternoon, i come in the house and my cell phone has three missed calls and two messages from the realtor’s office. they have someone who wants to see the house tonight at 6pm.

5:02pm: scott is hyperventilating from how messy the house / yard is and that this dude, this realtor, whom we picked specifically because his name and face are everywhere on the west side, and because my dad used to work with him and pegged him as a go-getter and aggressive, has gotten someone already to look at the house.

6pm: house is as clean as it’s gonna get. scott scoots out the door and goes to his mom’s.

9:15pm: realtor calls. scott jokingly says, “hey, tell me you’ve got a contract for me!” realtor says, “i’ve got a contract for you!” scott says, “dude, the ink’s not dry on the paperwork from this morning. you messin’ with me?” realtor says, “nope. i’ll be by at 10am to get your signature.”

april fools?

apparently not.

more on feelings / details later.

teaching has many perks, not the least of which is having holidays off. good friday is on the school calendar and my plan was to spend most of it on the beach, reading, biking, etc. then thursday night, lise makes a few calls and finds that her office is going to be closed on friday! woo-woo!! a three day weekend TOGETHER!!

it started off on the right foot - we both slept in and caught up on the beauty rest. lise took the dog out for a good long walk, and we hung out with him until around noon.

then we were off.

we loaded our beach bag up, grabbed the cooler and hit the road. first stop: The Bead and Crystal House. lise has been working hard making earrings and other jewelry in the last few months and this place has a great selection of cool, unique beads to choose from. this does scott no good, of course, so while lise went shopping, scott went to joe patti’s seafood and loaded the cooler up with raw shrimp and some of their delicious spinach dip.

then it was off to captain joey patti’s seafood deli / restaurant. plastic spoons & forks, paper plates, bare bones surroundings, but some of the best and cheapest seafood in the area.

we ordered and devoured a bowl of their fantastic seafood gumbo…

and ate a basket of their catch-of-the-day, some hushpuppies, and baked beans. mmmm-mmm!

a side trip to wal-mart was needed as i had left all my sunscreen in my car. wal-mart is never a fun trip for me, but there was an ulterior motive involved:

hershey’s ice cream parlor is a block away from the one near perdido key. and i knew we needed some ice cream to get the lunch settled correctly.  we’ve not been in months, but we’ve agreed for years that hershey’s makes the best freakin’ ice cream out there. we weren’t disappointed this time when we saw a new flavor: girl scout thin mint chocolate ice cream. oh. my. gosh. it was awesome. little chunks of real thin mint cookies all mixed up in there - it was heavenly.

next, we hit one of pensacola’s three tiny used bookstores. i had forgotten my book to take to the beach and had to have something to read! after much searching, snow falling on cedars was purchased, and we continued our trip to the beach!

it was a gorgeous day out - temps hit the low 70’s and the sun was out the entire day. the beach got chilly as the sun was going down an hour or so after we arrived, but that didn’t take away our enthusiasm for seeing the sunset.

being a relatively cloudless day, the sunset was not quite as spectacular as some, but it was still an awe-inspiring sight.  we sat a bit after the sun disappeared, contemplated what a great day it had been so far, packed up our stuff and headed home to the big dog and some delicious shrimp just waiting to be cooked.

dinner was delicious. several years ago, my dad gave us a medium sized foreman grill - the old ones are a pain to clean as nothing detaches, but folks, when you want shrimp cooked right, the foreman is one good way of doing it.  it was worth the cleaning job.

we ended our evening by catching up on Lost, season two. we’re late-comers to the whole Lost phenomenon and have been renting for the last couple weeks from netflix season one. that was finished on thursday. now we’re on season two and we’re hooked.

it was a good friday, indeed.

for several years now, i’ve noticed the strange colored soda.

weird names. weird pictures. bottles. long-neck bottles.

and i’ve known people who swear by the sweet nectar tucked into those weirdly named long-neck bottles of pop.

but it wasn’t until our local grocery store had a sale on 12-packs of the canned stuff (3 for $9.00!) that we actually tried it.

and wow. nice.

green apple. lemon drop. root beer. all made with pure cane sugar, not the fake crap pumped into the usual brands.

and the tastes! interesting! different to be certain!

have we seen the light? are we converted??

yes.

i’m afraid so.

jones soda. the choice of generation rust.

one thing that has pissed me off for years is having Christians tell me and other christians:

• how to vote
• what music to listen to
• what music to NOT listen to
• what products to buy
• which TV shows / movies are acceptable to watch
• what books to stay away from

over the last few years it’s gotten to the ridiculous - boycott Disney, vote for Bush, brian mclaren is satan, 24 is a tool of the devil, real-christians-would-never-listen-to ________________, Harry Potter will send your kids souls to hell, etc. etc. etc.

recently the flap has been over The Golden Compass, a book and now movie written by Phillip Pullman. Pullman has made headlines over the fact that he is an atheist, a humanist, and his heroes in the His Dark Materials trilogy literally set out to kill God.

at least a half-dozen well-meaning Christians have told me not to read this trilogy and have spouted off ill-informed rumors about the author / book / movie designed to bolster their argument and thus save one more soul from eternal damnation.

“have you read the book?” is my question. “oh, my goodness, no!” has been the consistent reply. “but i heard about it from ______________ (insert name of relative here)” or “james dobson told me not to read it! so i’m not!”

i’m at the very end of the third book and here’s my informed assessment:

• pullman is a good writer. he’s crafted a well-written set of books that hooked me early in the first book and, except for a few short spots, has kept me hooked ever since.
• pullman has written these books for children / adolescents.
• adolescents can read these books with little trouble.
• children should not read these books.
• Christians can read these books without going to Hell.
• the heroes do, in fact, set out to kill God.
• God, being dead in a work of fiction, does NOT kill him in real life.
• adolescents who have been raised in a Christian family and who understand the features of fantasy in writing (and they should - this is a benchmark in every state’s elementary school writing / reading curriculum) can read this book without losing their faith.
• pullman seems to have more of a gripe with The Church (holy, Roman, apostolic), especially The Church of history, with its manipulations, killings, suppressions, etc. than he does with God. this doesn’t change the aim of the book - it’s simply an observation.

now, why shouldn’t children read this book? it’s a bit much - the imagery, the length, the subject matter. harry potter is better suited for younger children, and even that is a bit much depending on how young we’re talking. i’d say that 11-12 year olds could read pullman’s trilogy with some difficulty and much in the way of questions and needing support in understanding the events.

do i like His Dark Materials? yep. do i fear that his killing of God will kill my faith or kill Christianity? haha - nope. as stated many times before: my God is bigger than that and the faith of His followers is not so shaky that a work of fantasy is going to tank the life-changing reality of the message of His son.

and finally: shame on you, ill-informed, fear-mongering Christians who won’t read / watch / consider something that you fear goes outside of your own worldview! you MUST engage the world around you! you MUST read non-Christian literature! you MUST watch TV shows that challenge your faith! you MUST form your OWN opinion about things and not simply follow the herd! you MUST because this is what gets Christians in trouble: parroting with no basis in fact, making you simply one more of the brainwashed millions who fulfill the stereotype of thoughtless, conformist Christian faith - something of little or no actual world-changing substance. and this, my friends, goes against what your supposed leader taught and did.

nataliedee.com

a couple weeks ago i received a request from one of my students to go to the office with a small group of girls who were having an ongoing issue with another small group of girls - this other group had asked (and been granted) permission to go to the office to address some of these issues.

well, when the second group got wind of this, a passionate plea to go to the office to challenge this first group arose. i was on to what was going on and refused permission to this second group for a number of reasons, not the least of which was that i had much for them to do in my class!

this, obviously, was cause for whining and under-the-breath muttering in my direction. and obviously, i was physically unable to care less.

until the following note was given to me by one of the leaders of this small group of girls:

to which i had to stop everything and explain:

Dude! I AM cool!! when God was handing out the coolness, he gave me an extra handful in exchange for taking some of my hearing. “Is that ok with you, son?” God asked. “It’s cool with me, yo!” was my reply. COOL was going to be my middle name until my mom convinced my dad that it just wasn’t appropriate. the latest edition of Webster’s includes a small picture of me with the definition of cool. why, i’m so cool that some people from florida take vacations to MY HOUSE because the temperature is a full 20 degrees lower in its vicinity.

obviously, some of this was a revelation to my students, but now that we’ve got that settled, everything’s cool.

hee hee.

mile 50 (12-21-07):

dolby and i are on the road to cincinnati. lise flew to toledo on the 19th. i had school until 11am (when my principal, who could kick your principal’s butt, told me i could take off). i got home, loaded up dolby and we hit the road. we’re in the car chillin, although dolby’s not particularly happy after about 200 of the 750 miles. poor guy.

mile 750 (12-22-07):

it’s 2am. i’m dead. we arrive at the house after too many stops for pooping and eating and running around. dolby’s thrilled. i’m just dead. everything’s vibrating.

mile 780 (12-22-07):

christmas dinner at my brother’s house in Monroe, Ohio. good time. good food. good company. debbie (sister-in-law)’s parents were there. my niece. my mom and her man. it was a good time. everything’s still vibrating.

mile 810 (12-23-07):

on the road again. this time 210 miles north to toledo to spend the day with lise’s family and pick her up to come down to the house. everyone was there but for her brother, sean, who has taken up long-haul trucking on a temporary basis to stockpile some cash and pay off some bills. he was missed, but we did have a good time! the picture to the right is NOT how i felt after 6 hours with the in-laws, but simply a mask one of my nephews left laying around. the switch is actually a comb. or is it? come a little closer, family!! muuuahahahahahaaaa…

mile 1245 (12-24-07):

had christmas eve dinner with my mom, her man, and my uncle. had a good time with untraditional christmas cooking that included some of the best potato soup i’ve ever had (even o’charley’s!). we played ping pong (got my butt kicked - damn this tennis elbow and carpal tunnel) and hung out for the evening.

mile 1290 (12-25-07):

christmas day was spent with my dad and his wife’s family - good food, good company again - i swear i’ve gained 4-5 lbs of the 50 i’ve lost back. gaah! we had a great time hanging out with everyone and catching up.

on the way there we stopped and bought Hot Fuzz, one of the funniest movies i’ve seen in all of 2007. seriously, i’ve not laughed like this over a movie in a long time. if you’ve not seen it, pbbbtthhh! jog on! mom had a coupon for hollywood video, and we got the thing for $7 and change. woo!

mile 1331 (12-26-07):

my friend mark meyers and his excellently cool wife melinda came in from minneapolis, MN and they spent the day with us on wednesday - i miss mark a lot. and his excellently cool wife is so excellently cool! we hung out, grabbed mexican food, drove to mt. adams and snapped disturbing photos of misunderstood minnesota rituals (such as the one at left, “face licking”) and concluded our day by playing simpson’s monopoly (how did this end? well, let’s just say that when lise tried to set mark up for the win, melinda and i formed an air-tight alliance and brought mark down to his knees). we were sad to see them go, but then SOMEONE has to go back to minnesota and freeze their asses off for the local economy.

that evening, several of our kids (ha ha - they ain’t “kids” anymore - “college attending adults”) from youth group past came over (including rocky and racecarr, seen left) for pizza, hilarity, hot fuzz (the movie, duh), and lots of talking. i’m so proud of these kids that i could pop. i love hearing about how growing up, college, jobs, etc. are going. rocky and i talked long into the evening about politics, school, christianity, and family - it was a great time.

mile 1402 (12-27-07):

today was a day of running around, relaxing a bit, making a trip to steve and barry’s for some shirts and stuff, getting things done around the house, and seeing my mom. lise got her old small group together and went out to dinner, then back to the house for fun, food, and games. they had a great time! christy came over that night for a couple hours and filled us in on her life and times, and then we kicked her out to get some sleep.

mile 1474 (12-28-07):

mom and i went to jungle jim’s today and bought staples (read: sauces and stuff you can’t get anywhere else, at least not in p-cola) and had donato’s for lunch. this evening was spent over at my brother’s house in Middletucky, OH with the family. definitely a good time eating, talking, and playing Rock Star. there exists some footage of my dad playing this game that will no doubt end up on youtube at some point.

mile 1540 (12-30-07):

back on the road again. i’ve said this before, i’ll say it again: i’m getting too old for this shit. driving 750 miles in one clip is too much for my ragged old body. but here we are again. the house is cleaned up and taken off the market. everything’s shut down and put away. the car’s been packed since the night before. the dog sits in the back seat looking sad (HE knows it’s 12 hours cooped up in the cramped car) and i’m getting ready to eat a blackberry jam cake muffin leftover from the previous weeks partying.

mile 2263 (12-31-07):

the drive is as long and painful as anticipated but it’s good to be home. we pull in late on the night of the 30th, unpack the car and pass out where we land. first thing next morning, we log mile 2263, ending at pensacola beach where it’s in the mid 60’s. the water’s warm, the air is warm, and the company is just right. we’ve had a great holiday visiting with family and friends that we sorely miss. now it’s good to be home and relaxing together before the craziness of real life returns.

…and my crazy face!”

this was my chorus today as students attempted to stomp on the last nerve in my body. again, at the crossroads of insanity and genius, i chose to make light of my predicament. i began rapping “a fist full of referrals and my crazy face” to students when things were getting out of hand or that “one kid” who always asks “those questions” raised his hand - and it was a hit. it kept me sane, defused a few potentially explosive situations, and got quite a few laughs as i hammed it up and wrote a few more lines while doing my best rap imitation.

so pictures were taken, edited and tweaked - next week, this is what will be plastered around the room as a warning…

i only wish i had my hoodie with me today. drat!

after a particularly ridiculous couple of days dealing with student and administration behavior that threatened to send me over the edge (and some might say actually did at a couple points), i sat down this afternoon and realized that the only way i would be able to drag myself back into that school tomorrow would be to absolutely make fun of / go nuts over the things i am so very pissed off at.

without further ado, i present to you The ____________ Elementary School Teacher Drinking Game.

enjoy. and please remember to educate responsibly: don’t drink and teach.

(click for the full size - click here for the PDF version)

just the thing

to get me through the day?

i confess that back in junior high

i owned pat benatar’s get nervous album.

and loved shadows of the night.

this was taken the morning i left cincinnati to head back to pensacola - let’s take a quiz!

what’s wrong with this picture? click on the picture to see the full view!

ready? begin!

if you picked, “C. SNOW” you’re RIGHT! pat yourself on the back and go slide into your birkenstocks. build a fire in your fireplace and sit toasty and warm, dreaming about the mid-70’s weather that pensacola will continue to enjoy while the rest of the nation goes into a deep freeze.

but all i hear is blah blah blah.

last night’s democratic debate sounds like it was a cartoon: caricatures of real people reading from a memorized script where even seemingly on-the-fly retorts are rehearsed sound bites.

it makes me wonder two things: at the end of the debate, did we really leave knowing anything more about the candidates? and were there dozens of sweet retorts that were left unused because the correct moment didn’t happen as planned?

how’re we to trust these clowns?

our school does 4 20-minute focus lessons daily in the areas of writing, math, science, and reading. teachers are given the focus for each week, then left to their own devices on how they’re going to teach and what materials they’re using.

this week’s focus for reading is synonyms - words that have similar meanings. i put together a couple pages on my SmartBoard (interactive projector that shows the entire class what’s on the computer) talking about synonyms, asking them for their definition, then using the definition found on dictionary.com. i then had them give examples of synonyms and we were having a grand old time.

i made sure they understood that it’s easy to say something like, “Mr. Rust is happy.” but that taking it to the next level, making it interesting for our readers, you need to drop the mundane and use synonyms. i gave an alternate word for “happy” then said, “hey! let’s get on to thesaurus.com and look at all the different words we could replace happy with!”

and i did.

and some of the words made the kids scratch their heads. others made them laugh, like when i said, “if i said, ‘Mr. Rust is chipper!’ instead of our boring sentence using ‘happy,’ wouldn’t that make this sentence more exciting?”

“what does ‘chipper’ mean, Mr. Rust?” was the response.

and being the intelligent teacher i am, i said, “we’re on dictionary.com - let’s check!” and the result was this:

well, this is all cool, right? we’re having a great, entertaining LEARNING experience! woo! mr. rust RULES!! OH yeah!!

so i’m explaining chipper, acting the part, etc. and one of the kids says, “what does ’sprightly’ mean?” and i begin to explain, but then, in my massive intelligence, i thought, “wait!! you’ve got dictionary.com right here!”

so i plug in “sprightly” and this is what i and the whole class sees on the SmartBoard:

and i hit the word “gay” and the class was like…

OMG!! you’re GAY?

haha. i quickly moved on and thought it was over. but then at lunch a student came over and said, “Mr. Rust, someone said you said you was gay.”

and i realized: teaching on the fly is fun but potentially costly.

but i’m still chipper and sprightly.

of the atmospheric kind and mental kind.

it’s been a depressing and busy week, hence the lack of babbling here. last week