rustypants speaks

…there’d be days like this.

after this school day ended with one of my students getting a 5 day suspension (apparently harper and i are f*cking fatasses and this needed to be shouted at top volume repeatedly while storming down the hallway), my whole class getting silent lunch (a very effective consequence – lunch is a huge part of the social life of my kids), my having tossed four students out of my room in the course of the day, my having to put my hands in my pockets to keep from doing this literally to one of them, my classes’ schedule getting changed daily, harper and i clinging to what little sanity remains, and my blood pressure reaching epic levels there was only one thing i could do to regain my head.

arriving at the beach, stripping in the car, changing, grabbing the bag and chair, i sat on the gulf and stewed. i lost count of the number of times i had to relax my jaw. and then i jumped in.

and it made all the difference. this is what i wrote when i got out 30 minutes later, thoroughly soaked, chilled, and relaxed:

about the only energy i have left in me is to get down to the beach, sit in the sun, swim in the waves, and repeatedly remind myself to unclench my jaw / stop grinding my teeth and try to remember why i got into teaching in the first place. honest to god, moving here was the right thing to do despite the financial ramifications and i’d do it again.

really. it feels that profound sometimes. i honestly can’t remember what i used to do to relax or come down from a bad day in the last couple years. it really seems to come down to needing the water / sand / waves to regain perspective that, for the longest time, was getting lost without a viable outlet.

the buyers backed out of their contract with us to buy the house. needless to say this news comes with many emotions and concerns. too fresh to talk about coherently at this moment. more later.

not gone yet, but what a couple days this has been!

the previous post talks about my whirlwind day on tuesday with the realtor and getting a contract on the house. what has ensued since then has been an edge-of-your-seat thriller involving the ability of the buyer to secure financing that satisfies her needs as well as the needs of the bank.

when i didn’t hear anything by the end of wednesday, i wasn’t worried but i was wondering if maybe our celebration was premature. by the end of the business day today, i was a bit worried.

then tonight, rakesh (our realtor) called and said the magic words: she got financing and the house inspection is this sunday morning at 9am!

my first reaction was not a pleasant one and i’m a bit surprised at myself.

our move to florida has been the best thing that could have happened to lise and i. as i’ve mentioned before, i believe that it literally and figuratively saved our lives. we’ve sacrificed a lot in the process, but in the end we’re happier than we’ve been in years and feel alive again. we’ve made decisions and changes regarding how we live and what we need / don’t need to get by – it’s only been a good thing! we miss our families and friends terribly but we’re in a better place to appreciate and love them where we are than where we were.

so my first reaction tonight was one of melancholy, fear, and sadness. i want to be happy about selling the house but wow – we’ve spent the last 16 months working towards selling it, and with so much frustration, loss, and disappointment – the reality of selling our house has finally hit.

we thought we were going to die in this house when we bought it. we thought we were going to host parties and dinners and get togethers here until we were little old folks. we loved coming home to all this space and room. we didn’t have to worry about whether the tv was too loud or the music too loud or whether we had clothes on (not that this one has ever stopped me…) we got to have our own rooms / offices to have our own space we had a huge basement and got couches and the tv and were going to have youth group over here every weekend and kids and we put our pictures up and had cookouts and played cards and friends came from out of town and stayed with us and there are things i’ll never forget about this place.

and i’m sad. sad for things lost. sad that things didn’t work out the way we had envisioned them. sad that the freedom and independence we felt with the house didn’t continue. i’m melancholy because of an ideal that we had built in our heads about what Having A House meant. I’m scared because of losing our last physical tie to cincinnati, having an “out” if we decided that moving to pensacola was a mistake, not being able to just cruise into town whenever we are able.

and then after i had a good little pity party and shed some tears over these things, i’m happy and relieved.

i’m happy because this is the end of the process we started so long ago. because we’ll no longer be losing huge sums of money to a place that sits empty. because this will allow us to build our savings back up and move on to this next phase of our lives begun last summer when we pulled up to the sandy shore and dug our toes in and let our hair down. relieved because i know that the house has been a stressful thing and causes me to cling and hold on to things that are no longer there. relieved because that ideal was not realistic in the long haul and in the face of an ever-changing thing we call life. i’m happy. i’m happy because lise and i can now focus completely on what we need to focus on: each other. i’m the luckiest guy on earth – my wife is the best!

sorry for the long post but it’s helped me process.

days like today and this past week

wear the hell out of me.

i get tired of playing psychologist at school.

one thing that has pissed me off for years is having Christians tell me and other christians:

• how to vote
• what music to listen to
• what music to NOT listen to
• what products to buy
• which TV shows / movies are acceptable to watch
• what books to stay away from

over the last few years it’s gotten to the ridiculous – boycott Disney, vote for Bush, brian mclaren is satan, 24 is a tool of the devil, real-christians-would-never-listen-to ________________, Harry Potter will send your kids souls to hell, etc. etc. etc.

recently the flap has been over The Golden Compass, a book and now movie written by Phillip Pullman. Pullman has made headlines over the fact that he is an atheist, a humanist, and his heroes in the His Dark Materials trilogy literally set out to kill God.

at least a half-dozen well-meaning Christians have told me not to read this trilogy and have spouted off ill-informed rumors about the author / book / movie designed to bolster their argument and thus save one more soul from eternal damnation.

“have you read the book?” is my question. “oh, my goodness, no!” has been the consistent reply. “but i heard about it from ______________ (insert name of relative here)” or “james dobson told me not to read it! so i’m not!”

i’m at the very end of the third book and here’s my informed assessment:

• pullman is a good writer. he’s crafted a well-written set of books that hooked me early in the first book and, except for a few short spots, has kept me hooked ever since.
• pullman has written these books for children / adolescents.
• adolescents can read these books with little trouble.
• children should not read these books.
• Christians can read these books without going to Hell.
• the heroes do, in fact, set out to kill God.
• God, being dead in a work of fiction, does NOT kill him in real life.
• adolescents who have been raised in a Christian family and who understand the features of fantasy in writing (and they should – this is a benchmark in every state’s elementary school writing / reading curriculum) can read this book without losing their faith.
• pullman seems to have more of a gripe with The Church (holy, Roman, apostolic), especially The Church of history, with its manipulations, killings, suppressions, etc. than he does with God. this doesn’t change the aim of the book – it’s simply an observation.

now, why shouldn’t children read this book? it’s a bit much – the imagery, the length, the subject matter. harry potter is better suited for younger children, and even that is a bit much depending on how young we’re talking. i’d say that 11-12 year olds could read pullman’s trilogy with some difficulty and much in the way of questions and needing support in understanding the events.

do i like His Dark Materials? yep. do i fear that his killing of God will kill my faith or kill Christianity? haha – nope. as stated many times before: my God is bigger than that and the faith of His followers is not so shaky that a work of fantasy is going to tank the life-changing reality of the message of His son.

and finally: shame on you, ill-informed, fear-mongering Christians who won’t read / watch / consider something that you fear goes outside of your own worldview! you MUST engage the world around you! you MUST read non-Christian literature! you MUST watch TV shows that challenge your faith! you MUST form your OWN opinion about things and not simply follow the herd! you MUST because this is what gets Christians in trouble: parroting with no basis in fact, making you simply one more of the brainwashed millions who fulfill the stereotype of thoughtless, conformist Christian faith – something of little or no actual world-changing substance. and this, my friends, goes against what your supposed leader taught and did.

today, at the top of an “enough! go-to-the-back-of-the-room and write-out-definitions-just-so-i-can-teach the students-who-give-a-rip” assignment:

“I can’t wait to go back to Mr. Harper’s class.”

to which there was only one possible reply:

amen, sister. amen.

and apparently, rightly so.

about an hour ago there was a knock on our apartment door. it’s 8:30 on a saturday night in a town where we know less than a dozen people well enough to call friends. who could it be?

lise’s on the phone. i answer it while the dog goes nutso and there’s a short, neatly dressed, 50-something black lady standing there. dolby’s doing a who-is-it-who-is-it bark and tail wag and this lady jumps back, clearly scared of my goofy mutt. i assure her she’s ok and what can i do for her.

i proceed to hear only parts of a story of her father dying, car out of gas, need a few dollars to get to the hospital, needing to pick up her mother, she lives in the complex on the other side of our building, etc. i ask her to give me a minute. come in and quickly ask lise if she knows this woman. she’s instantly skeptical and tells me not to give her money (think i should have listened).

i go back out and tell her that i’ll give her a lift to the hospital – quickly she tells me that the hospital is in Mobile, AL – 60 miles away. i ask her what unit she’s in – she tells me “you know, it’s the one immediately behind you.” “yeah, what number is that?” “8C” “oh. ok. well, i don’t have that much money. here’s $6.00.” “oh, thank you so much… blah blah blah…”

and as she walked away, i realized how many red flags i ignored and how many shrill whistles and sirens were going off in my head. and i instantly felt stupid.

5 minutes later, lise and i leave to canvass the apartment complex to make sure no one else is being taken. i see her on the other side of the complex (we have 9 1-story buildings with about 8 apartments in each, 4 on one side, 4 on the other) standing at someone’s apartment door. as i continue walking towards her, she sees me. she quickly begins walking across the parking lot, jumps into the passenger side of a newer car driven by a man i would assume is her husband. the car is quickly put in reverse as i’m standing 6 feet from the back of it, looking at the license plate and through the back window. and the car doesn’t stop. and continues to not stop. i move quickly out of the way as the car takes off through the parking lot.

and i’ve gone through many emotions since then. anger over being taken for stupid or gullible. shame for not thinking more closely about what she was telling me not jiving with what i know. self-righteous pride for not wanting to turn someone away who is desperate enough for money to obviously drive from elsewhere to try and get it from strangers. disappointment over the human condition. frustration knowing that the next person who comes to my door asking for something is going to most likely get the door slammed in their face. shock that after all these years and numerous times being taken with the same kind of story, i continue to get taken.

it was only six bucks. and i’d rather lose six bucks and maybe have helped in some perverse way tonight. but what about those people who might turn to us next who are in real need when my bullshit radar will be struck on hyper-alert and i turn them away?

gah. i hate being taken like this.

today, harper and i were given a planning day – subs were requested for our classes and we were jubilant over the prospect of catching up on paperwork and planning, not to mention being out of the room for the day.

but i’ve gotta tell ya: this is how i looked and felt at the end of the day. too many people bothering us, too many kids acting up, too many questions, too many new problems that had to be dealt with instead of planning or grading. i’d love to say that it was a great day but i’d be full of crap.

how long til christmas break??

—
edit: to be fair, things did get accomplished today – it was good to have the day to get those things squared away, but the original intent was for planning and because of constant interruptions, that did not happen. i’m tired of spending so damn much time up at school never getting caught up. classroom 305: my room // my prison.

i won’t lie to you:

there are times when the only kind of movie that i want to see is a pure, straight-forward action movie. a movie you don’t have to think much about, just sit back, enjoy the speeding, the shooting, the gore, the ridiculous plot, the unbelievable stunts, the guns that never run out of bullets, the pace that never seems to slow down.

lise and i rented kill bill several years ago when it was the last movie in the store that we hadn’t seen. i knew almost nothing about it, but from what i read on the box, it seemed stupid. we were desperate for something so we got it. we got half way through the thing after an inordinate amount of ridiculousness surrounding the plot, the characters, the circumstances, the excessive gore and the nonstop violence when finally… FINALLY we came to the animated sequence. and then. THEN i froze the movie, turned to lise and said, “holy crap! this movie is a COMIC BOOK!” i had been sitting there thinking and saying out loud that stuff like this only happens in comic books and it struck me: this movie is based on a comic book!

and then the movie made perfect sense! and we watched the rest of it, laughing, cheering for The Bride, and being sad that kill bill 2 was not out yet on DVD! and kill bill 2, when it did come out on dvd, surpassed the first one easily! oh! OH!! those movies are two of my favorites!

terminator 2 is another one of those movies – we first saw this sucker at the carousel theater in cincinnati on the BIG SCREEN and folks, when during the opening credits, that big metal foot comes crunching down on that skull? haha! woo, we jumped about two feet each, laughed like loons and settled in for what has become another one of those ridiculous action movies that you can’t think too much about, but just enjoy the ride.

well, last night was one of those nights for a mindless action movie. die hard has not been a franchise that we have watched closely, although i do know i’ve seen at least two of the first three films. i remember them being ok but maybe a little silly.

as i walked into blockbuster, lise warned me when i joked about getting that movie. doggoneit, there was nothing else to rent, so off i go with bruce willis firmly tucked under my arm. lise punched me and told me to apologize for what she was sure was going to be a horrible movie. i refused.

and two hours later, i was begging for forgiveness.

it’s a dog. i mean, it’s a junkyard dog that ought to be put out of its misery. i can handle certain levels of unbelievable, and if i can get in the right mindset, i can excuse a lot of plot BS, but this? THIS??

oy. i was praying for john mcclane‘s death by the end of the movie so there’d be no further torture to the movie-watching public. no such luck.

spare yourself the pain and please, don’t lose 129 minutes of your life that you will never be able to get back.

the days continue to be sunny and warm, temps still hitting the low 80′s and upper 70′s, and the evenings are getting a bit chilly. to wrap myself in a toasty pullover (Xavier!) is becoming commonplace as the sun sinks below the horizon. the trees have still not begun to change colors here in pensacola but i imagine this will commence soon.

the red tide alert was lifted this past week and lise and i joyously returned to the beach friday night to celebrate clear waters, dead-fish-less shores, steamed shrimp, and…

lise’s new job(s).

it’s been a rollercoaster of a ride these past weeks as we’ve dealt with some crippling blows to our adventure in southern living – the financial crisis has sapped me of mental strength, the job crisis has sapped lise’s. she’s been a real trooper, though, and doubled up her efforts to find employment.

and between thursday and friday, she was offered four positions. one of them was easy to turn down. another was accepted on thursday, then turned down on friday upon receiving the other two offers. she is now the volunteer coordinator at Learn to Read of Northwest Florida, an adult literacy program here in pensacola. she’s quite excited, as the director was very complimentary, friendly, and encouraging as she applied, interviewed, was highly recommended, then offered the position. it’s not a high-paying job, but the hours are good (9-5, M-Th) and the organization seems solid.

she’ll also start subbing at escambia county schools on fridays off and on to get into the system (and get some extra $$).
are we excited? definitely. are we relieved? yes and no. we’re far from being out of the woods of our crisis, but this is such a wonderful first step – lise’s been working her butt off to get work and it’s been so depressing and frustrating – this removes much of that and the obvious feelings of rejection that are felt during fruitless searching, applying, calling, interviewing, etc.

the next big thing on our hope / prayer list is: getting the house sold. we’ve dropped the price again and now we begin to lose money on it. we’re very sad that it’s come to this but honestly, a key part of our being able to make it down here will be unloading that house that we love and miss so much. we’ll be working again to save money over the next few years for a down payment on a home in florida, but having that drain on our finances sold will make things much easier.

we’re hitting the beach again tonight to continue our celebration and relax before lise rejoins the rat-race. thanks for your thoughts, prayers, and encouragement over the past few weeks (and months)!