rustypants speaks

After having been bit by a dog (no collar / no license) this afternoon while riding my bike, having confronted the owner and gotten some BS from her, I got the number for Animal Control and the following conversation took place:

“Can I help you?”
“Yes, I was bit by a dog and…”
“OK. This is not animal control. That number changed back in November.”
“Ok. You have the new number?”
“That office isn’t open until Tuesday.”
“Uh…”
“Here, I’ll transfer you to the Sheriff’s dept.”
*click*

“Officer so-and-so, can I help you?”
“Dog bite, etc. etc.”
“Uh. OK. Do you want an officer to contact you?”
“No, but the bite broke the skin, blood, swelling, etc.”
“Um. Well, Animal Control is who you want to call, then.”
“Wha? They don’t open til Tuesday.”
“Yes.”
“…”
“Let me transfer you…”
*click*

“Officer so-and-so, blah blah blah”
“Dog. Bite. Blood. Swelling. Etc.”
“Animal Control, yada yada, blah blah blah”
“Is this some kind of joke?”
“Sir, I don’t know what you want us to do…”
“I’d kinda like to know if the unlicensed, uncollared dog that BIT ME is rabid, sick, etc.”
“Well, sir, you’ll need to call Animal Control on Tuesday morning…”
“What in the Hell…?”
*click*

During our Saturday trip to Pensacola Beach today, we got our first glimpse of what’s here, and what’s to come with the oil spill in the Gulf.

Using some of their product, I have tried to articulate how we and many of our friends here in Pensacola feel about BP and the oil spill / death of millions of animals / destruction of habitats / screwing over of lives:

To be certain, this is only the tip of the iceberg. The blobs of oil we saw / stepped in / couldn’t avoid today were nothing compared to what’s a couple miles off shore, and even that is nothing compared to what’s slowly moving our way.

To say that we’re heartbroken doesn’t even begin to cover it.

We’re heartbroken for the wildlife that is being killed by this tragedy. We’re heartbroken for the lives ruined (those killed on the rig; the families left behind; those whose businesses and dreams are shattered; those of us who live on the Gulf coast who will be directly and indirectly affected financially for many years to come).

And we’re heartbroken for selfish reasons, too. When Lise and I moved here back in 2007, we did so for mental health reasons and because we had fallen in love with Pensacola Beach. Many long-time residents we’ve friended here think we’re somewhat crazy – coming to the beach three, four, even five times a week is not unusual for us. We watch the sunset. We collect shells. We sit together and dream dreams. We watch pelicans, terns, and other seabirds fly and live. We watch dolphins, schools of fish, sharks, cownose stingrays, and a vast number of other sealife swim with what seems to us like carefree abandon. We swim. We love. We are still in awe of the incredible diversity that the seasons bring to the shoreline. The peace and comfort we receive just being in the presence of the Gulf shore is indescribable.

Taking pictures today of Pensacola Beach littered with the first wave of tar balls / oil blobs hurt. Picking up a small amount of the oil and seeing how difficult it is to get that shit off of my hands was shocking. I still have oil stuck under / around my fingernails after washing my hands several times.

We’ve both cried. I’m sure we’ll be crying more. The pictures coming out of Louisiana are so painful that I’ve had to stop looking at them. The ramifications for our future here (mental health, financial, job-wise, etc.) are so shocking that we’ve not been able to have a coherent conversation about it yet. But we’re going to have to face this soon.  I don’t know how we’re going to be able to stay here.

And for that: Fuck you, BP.

the latest excitement:

• i’m down 41lbs from last june to 244lbs
• i continue to run 5x / week, lift weights 3x / week, bike infrequently, watch my calories, do some circuit training a couple times a week, drink lots of water, and juggle daily.
• i started doing yoga 3 weeks ago and am enjoying it quite a bit – very relaxing, yet also a workout. i frequently do it at night before heading to bed and it helps the insomniac in me fall asleep.
• this pic was taken this afternoon while hamming for the camera:
  
• the picture drives me to ask the question: if you had a high school teacher with guns like that, would you be messing around with him? no? then why the heck do my students mess with me? is it the shoes? is it the smile? maybe i don’t flash the guns around enough?
• i’m neck-deep in IEP writing, with somewhere around 18 IEP’s due in the next 2 months. oy vey.
• add to this that i’m taking a course on educational assessments at UWF and it’s a double oy vey.
• stephen king’s Under the Dome was a great read until the last 30 pages. he really is a master of plot development, but his endings are so frequently just blah.
• i’ve now worn my Vibram Five Fingers every day for three months and i’m telling ya: these things are absolutely awesome. i did acquire a second pair of them (seen in above picture) and do all my teaching, workouts, running, etc. in them. my feet / legs / knees / back have never felt better. i realize i have a followup i need to do on my previous post – it’ll happen, promise!
• spring break is the last week in march – i’m planning on being in Cincinnati for a couple days. am thinking of arranging some kind of party for a couple hours one night and see if we can’t get everyone together in one room to visit and catch up!
• there’s more to tell, but this was unplanned and as such, my brain is mush.

thanks to kate for the kick in the ass.

wouldn’t the money being spent on these ridiculous t-shirts be put to better use to help his victims?

thank goodness we americans have our priorities straight.

7th period is That Period. the bad one. the one that drives me the craziest.

it’s mostly a dynamics issue. 8 of the 18 just don’t belong together in one classroom. but alas, the room’s not big enough to separate them as they require.

so we’re at the tail end of an excerpt from richard rodriguez’s autobiography – i’m building to the climax, the epiphany, the “aha” moment when an entire period of childish, stupid behavior on the part of my sophomores and juniors leads me to shut down the class. i’ve had enough. i’ve already had to remove one student and was close to removing a second. six others are just being disruptive, talking, trying to distract me and others, texting on cell phones, arguing with my aide – it just sent me over the top.

so i informed them: you’re on your own. finish reading it by yourselves. the 30 questions? due tomorrow at the end of the class. i was going to do them with you – now? sorry. oh, and don’t forget the test on friday. now, zip it.

and the trouble students in the class managed to zip it for about 10 minutes. then a couple more referrals had to be written.

and my 10 students who listen, participate, and don’t give me crap? their faces were like, “oh, hell no!” but they kept it together and most of them started working on finishing the story and answering the questions.

and i was so damned angry on the way home. the extent of my anger was illogical, almost blinding. and i realized that what i did wasn’t fair to my non-asshat students.

so i stopped and bought a case of cokes and rootbeer and a couple snacks. i wrote out my list of students who were going to get got, and those who weren’t. i ran it all by my department chair and a couple others (thumbs up all the way) and then laid my trap.

and 7th period, students come in and see pop and snacks and eyes light up. especially those of the soon-to-be-banished. everyone gets seated and i wrote the names of those who would not be joining us on the board. to the rest of them i said, “grab a book, a desk, a pencil, and think about what you want to drink and eat, and let’s get in a circle!” to those getting the boot, i said, “you guys can get a book, a pencil, and paper, and go to the library where you’ll do all 30 questions, then study for tomorrow’s test.”

and the looks on their faces – it was indescribable. and frankly, the glee i felt at seeing it was probably inappropriate, the groaning and whining only adding to my satisfaction.

and the ten who stayed back with me – we took the exam together and had a good discussion about the main points of the book over cokes and snacks. and 10 A’s were given.

tomorrow? the other 8 get to take the test on their own while today’s group gets a free period.

i’ll try not to be so gleeful, promise.

“Vengeance is mine, says the Lord.” but in 7th period? i’m the lord. deal with it.

…can’t be over soon enough.

i’ve about had it

with the zealots

for BOTH candidates.

i’ve changed my stance.

zippy for president!

teaching at the high school level proves to be exciting. and frustrating.

and after a particularly frustrating wednesday, i woke up thursday as cranky as i had left the day before.

so i got to my class and wrote “cantankerous” on the board, offered extra points to anyone who got onto dictionary.com and found the definition, found several synonyms for the word, and wrote them on their paper.

this led to a productive discussion on being cantankerous, cranky, pissy, peevish, and disagreeable.

it also served as a warning.

but still.

some students took my last nerve.

and stomped all over it.

grrr.

if i hear another admonition from my school’s administrators to “be flexible” while they continue to give last-minute warnings, announcements, “this must go home today,” schedule changes, and generally seemingly unplanned-for activities and/or meetings…

i’m afraid i’m going to have to transmogrify into stretch armstrong. it may be the only way i survive the needed flexibility.

seriously, with three administrators?

warning: beware the sound of foot being shot.

…there’d be days like this.

after this school day ended with one of my students getting a 5 day suspension (apparently harper and i are f*cking fatasses and this needed to be shouted at top volume repeatedly while storming down the hallway), my whole class getting silent lunch (a very effective consequence – lunch is a huge part of the social life of my kids), my having tossed four students out of my room in the course of the day, my having to put my hands in my pockets to keep from doing this literally to one of them, my classes’ schedule getting changed daily, harper and i clinging to what little sanity remains, and my blood pressure reaching epic levels there was only one thing i could do to regain my head.

arriving at the beach, stripping in the car, changing, grabbing the bag and chair, i sat on the gulf and stewed. i lost count of the number of times i had to relax my jaw. and then i jumped in.

and it made all the difference. this is what i wrote when i got out 30 minutes later, thoroughly soaked, chilled, and relaxed:

about the only energy i have left in me is to get down to the beach, sit in the sun, swim in the waves, and repeatedly remind myself to unclench my jaw / stop grinding my teeth and try to remember why i got into teaching in the first place. honest to god, moving here was the right thing to do despite the financial ramifications and i’d do it again.

really. it feels that profound sometimes. i honestly can’t remember what i used to do to relax or come down from a bad day in the last couple years. it really seems to come down to needing the water / sand / waves to regain perspective that, for the longest time, was getting lost without a viable outlet.

the buyers backed out of their contract with us to buy the house. needless to say this news comes with many emotions and concerns. too fresh to talk about coherently at this moment. more later.

not gone yet, but what a couple days this has been!

the previous post talks about my whirlwind day on tuesday with the realtor and getting a contract on the house. what has ensued since then has been an edge-of-your-seat thriller involving the ability of the buyer to secure financing that satisfies her needs as well as the needs of the bank.

when i didn’t hear anything by the end of wednesday, i wasn’t worried but i was wondering if maybe our celebration was premature. by the end of the business day today, i was a bit worried.

then tonight, rakesh (our realtor) called and said the magic words: she got financing and the house inspection is this sunday morning at 9am!

my first reaction was not a pleasant one and i’m a bit surprised at myself.

our move to florida has been the best thing that could have happened to lise and i. as i’ve mentioned before, i believe that it literally and figuratively saved our lives. we’ve sacrificed a lot in the process, but in the end we’re happier than we’ve been in years and feel alive again. we’ve made decisions and changes regarding how we live and what we need / don’t need to get by – it’s only been a good thing! we miss our families and friends terribly but we’re in a better place to appreciate and love them where we are than where we were.

so my first reaction tonight was one of melancholy, fear, and sadness. i want to be happy about selling the house but wow – we’ve spent the last 16 months working towards selling it, and with so much frustration, loss, and disappointment – the reality of selling our house has finally hit.

we thought we were going to die in this house when we bought it. we thought we were going to host parties and dinners and get togethers here until we were little old folks. we loved coming home to all this space and room. we didn’t have to worry about whether the tv was too loud or the music too loud or whether we had clothes on (not that this one has ever stopped me…) we got to have our own rooms / offices to have our own space we had a huge basement and got couches and the tv and were going to have youth group over here every weekend and kids and we put our pictures up and had cookouts and played cards and friends came from out of town and stayed with us and there are things i’ll never forget about this place.

and i’m sad. sad for things lost. sad that things didn’t work out the way we had envisioned them. sad that the freedom and independence we felt with the house didn’t continue. i’m melancholy because of an ideal that we had built in our heads about what Having A House meant. I’m scared because of losing our last physical tie to cincinnati, having an “out” if we decided that moving to pensacola was a mistake, not being able to just cruise into town whenever we are able.

and then after i had a good little pity party and shed some tears over these things, i’m happy and relieved.

i’m happy because this is the end of the process we started so long ago. because we’ll no longer be losing huge sums of money to a place that sits empty. because this will allow us to build our savings back up and move on to this next phase of our lives begun last summer when we pulled up to the sandy shore and dug our toes in and let our hair down. relieved because i know that the house has been a stressful thing and causes me to cling and hold on to things that are no longer there. relieved because that ideal was not realistic in the long haul and in the face of an ever-changing thing we call life. i’m happy. i’m happy because lise and i can now focus completely on what we need to focus on: each other. i’m the luckiest guy on earth – my wife is the best!

sorry for the long post but it’s helped me process.

days like today and this past week

wear the hell out of me.

i get tired of playing psychologist at school.

one thing that has pissed me off for years is having Christians tell me and other christians:

• how to vote
• what music to listen to
• what music to NOT listen to
• what products to buy
• which TV shows / movies are acceptable to watch
• what books to stay away from

over the last few years it’s gotten to the ridiculous – boycott Disney, vote for Bush, brian mclaren is satan, 24 is a tool of the devil, real-christians-would-never-listen-to ________________, Harry Potter will send your kids souls to hell, etc. etc. etc.

recently the flap has been over The Golden Compass, a book and now movie written by Phillip Pullman. Pullman has made headlines over the fact that he is an atheist, a humanist, and his heroes in the His Dark Materials trilogy literally set out to kill God.

at least a half-dozen well-meaning Christians have told me not to read this trilogy and have spouted off ill-informed rumors about the author / book / movie designed to bolster their argument and thus save one more soul from eternal damnation.

“have you read the book?” is my question. “oh, my goodness, no!” has been the consistent reply. “but i heard about it from ______________ (insert name of relative here)” or “james dobson told me not to read it! so i’m not!”

i’m at the very end of the third book and here’s my informed assessment:

• pullman is a good writer. he’s crafted a well-written set of books that hooked me early in the first book and, except for a few short spots, has kept me hooked ever since.
• pullman has written these books for children / adolescents.
• adolescents can read these books with little trouble.
• children should not read these books.
• Christians can read these books without going to Hell.
• the heroes do, in fact, set out to kill God.
• God, being dead in a work of fiction, does NOT kill him in real life.
• adolescents who have been raised in a Christian family and who understand the features of fantasy in writing (and they should – this is a benchmark in every state’s elementary school writing / reading curriculum) can read this book without losing their faith.
• pullman seems to have more of a gripe with The Church (holy, Roman, apostolic), especially The Church of history, with its manipulations, killings, suppressions, etc. than he does with God. this doesn’t change the aim of the book – it’s simply an observation.

now, why shouldn’t children read this book? it’s a bit much – the imagery, the length, the subject matter. harry potter is better suited for younger children, and even that is a bit much depending on how young we’re talking. i’d say that 11-12 year olds could read pullman’s trilogy with some difficulty and much in the way of questions and needing support in understanding the events.

do i like His Dark Materials? yep. do i fear that his killing of God will kill my faith or kill Christianity? haha – nope. as stated many times before: my God is bigger than that and the faith of His followers is not so shaky that a work of fantasy is going to tank the life-changing reality of the message of His son.

and finally: shame on you, ill-informed, fear-mongering Christians who won’t read / watch / consider something that you fear goes outside of your own worldview! you MUST engage the world around you! you MUST read non-Christian literature! you MUST watch TV shows that challenge your faith! you MUST form your OWN opinion about things and not simply follow the herd! you MUST because this is what gets Christians in trouble: parroting with no basis in fact, making you simply one more of the brainwashed millions who fulfill the stereotype of thoughtless, conformist Christian faith – something of little or no actual world-changing substance. and this, my friends, goes against what your supposed leader taught and did.

today, at the top of an “enough! go-to-the-back-of-the-room and write-out-definitions-just-so-i-can-teach the students-who-give-a-rip” assignment:

“I can’t wait to go back to Mr. Harper’s class.”

to which there was only one possible reply:

amen, sister. amen.

and apparently, rightly so.

about an hour ago there was a knock on our apartment door. it’s 8:30 on a saturday night in a town where we know less than a dozen people well enough to call friends. who could it be?

lise’s on the phone. i answer it while the dog goes nutso and there’s a short, neatly dressed, 50-something black lady standing there. dolby’s doing a who-is-it-who-is-it bark and tail wag and this lady jumps back, clearly scared of my goofy mutt. i assure her she’s ok and what can i do for her.

i proceed to hear only parts of a story of her father dying, car out of gas, need a few dollars to get to the hospital, needing to pick up her mother, she lives in the complex on the other side of our building, etc. i ask her to give me a minute. come in and quickly ask lise if she knows this woman. she’s instantly skeptical and tells me not to give her money (think i should have listened).

i go back out and tell her that i’ll give her a lift to the hospital – quickly she tells me that the hospital is in Mobile, AL – 60 miles away. i ask her what unit she’s in – she tells me “you know, it’s the one immediately behind you.” “yeah, what number is that?” “8C” “oh. ok. well, i don’t have that much money. here’s $6.00.” “oh, thank you so much… blah blah blah…”

and as she walked away, i realized how many red flags i ignored and how many shrill whistles and sirens were going off in my head. and i instantly felt stupid.

5 minutes later, lise and i leave to canvass the apartment complex to make sure no one else is being taken. i see her on the other side of the complex (we have 9 1-story buildings with about 8 apartments in each, 4 on one side, 4 on the other) standing at someone’s apartment door. as i continue walking towards her, she sees me. she quickly begins walking across the parking lot, jumps into the passenger side of a newer car driven by a man i would assume is her husband. the car is quickly put in reverse as i’m standing 6 feet from the back of it, looking at the license plate and through the back window. and the car doesn’t stop. and continues to not stop. i move quickly out of the way as the car takes off through the parking lot.

and i’ve gone through many emotions since then. anger over being taken for stupid or gullible. shame for not thinking more closely about what she was telling me not jiving with what i know. self-righteous pride for not wanting to turn someone away who is desperate enough for money to obviously drive from elsewhere to try and get it from strangers. disappointment over the human condition. frustration knowing that the next person who comes to my door asking for something is going to most likely get the door slammed in their face. shock that after all these years and numerous times being taken with the same kind of story, i continue to get taken.

it was only six bucks. and i’d rather lose six bucks and maybe have helped in some perverse way tonight. but what about those people who might turn to us next who are in real need when my bullshit radar will be struck on hyper-alert and i turn them away?

gah. i hate being taken like this.

today, harper and i were given a planning day – subs were requested for our classes and we were jubilant over the prospect of catching up on paperwork and planning, not to mention being out of the room for the day.

but i’ve gotta tell ya: this is how i looked and felt at the end of the day. too many people bothering us, too many kids acting up, too many questions, too many new problems that had to be dealt with instead of planning or grading. i’d love to say that it was a great day but i’d be full of crap.

how long til christmas break??

—
edit: to be fair, things did get accomplished today – it was good to have the day to get those things squared away, but the original intent was for planning and because of constant interruptions, that did not happen. i’m tired of spending so damn much time up at school never getting caught up. classroom 305: my room // my prison.

i won’t lie to you:

there are times when the only kind of movie that i want to see is a pure, straight-forward action movie. a movie you don’t have to think much about, just sit back, enjoy the speeding, the shooting, the gore, the ridiculous plot, the unbelievable stunts, the guns that never run out of bullets, the pace that never seems to slow down.

lise and i rented kill bill several years ago when it was the last movie in the store that we hadn’t seen. i knew almost nothing about it, but from what i read on the box, it seemed stupid. we were desperate for something so we got it. we got half way through the thing after an inordinate amount of ridiculousness surrounding the plot, the characters, the circumstances, the excessive gore and the nonstop violence when finally… FINALLY we came to the animated sequence. and then. THEN i froze the movie, turned to lise and said, “holy crap! this movie is a COMIC BOOK!” i had been sitting there thinking and saying out loud that stuff like this only happens in comic books and it struck me: this movie is based on a comic book!

and then the movie made perfect sense! and we watched the rest of it, laughing, cheering for The Bride, and being sad that kill bill 2 was not out yet on DVD! and kill bill 2, when it did come out on dvd, surpassed the first one easily! oh! OH!! those movies are two of my favorites!

terminator 2 is another one of those movies – we first saw this sucker at the carousel theater in cincinnati on the BIG SCREEN and folks, when during the opening credits, that big metal foot comes crunching down on that skull? haha! woo, we jumped about two feet each, laughed like loons and settled in for what has become another one of those ridiculous action movies that you can’t think too much about, but just enjoy the ride.

well, last night was one of those nights for a mindless action movie. die hard has not been a franchise that we have watched closely, although i do know i’ve seen at least two of the first three films. i remember them being ok but maybe a little silly.

as i walked into blockbuster, lise warned me when i joked about getting that movie. doggoneit, there was nothing else to rent, so off i go with bruce willis firmly tucked under my arm. lise punched me and told me to apologize for what she was sure was going to be a horrible movie. i refused.

and two hours later, i was begging for forgiveness.

it’s a dog. i mean, it’s a junkyard dog that ought to be put out of its misery. i can handle certain levels of unbelievable, and if i can get in the right mindset, i can excuse a lot of plot BS, but this? THIS??

oy. i was praying for john mcclane’s death by the end of the movie so there’d be no further torture to the movie-watching public. no such luck.

spare yourself the pain and please, don’t lose 129 minutes of your life that you will never be able to get back.

the days continue to be sunny and warm, temps still hitting the low 80’s and upper 70’s, and the evenings are getting a bit chilly. to wrap myself in a toasty pullover (Xavier!) is becoming commonplace as the sun sinks below the horizon. the trees have still not begun to change colors here in pensacola but i imagine this will commence soon.

the red tide alert was lifted this past week and lise and i joyously returned to the beach friday night to celebrate clear waters, dead-fish-less shores, steamed shrimp, and…

lise’s new job(s).

it’s been a rollercoaster of a ride these past weeks as we’ve dealt with some crippling blows to our adventure in southern living – the financial crisis has sapped me of mental strength, the job crisis has sapped lise’s. she’s been a real trooper, though, and doubled up her efforts to find employment.

and between thursday and friday, she was offered four positions. one of them was easy to turn down. another was accepted on thursday, then turned down on friday upon receiving the other two offers. she is now the volunteer coordinator at Learn to Read of Northwest Florida, an adult literacy program here in pensacola. she’s quite excited, as the director was very complimentary, friendly, and encouraging as she applied, interviewed, was highly recommended, then offered the position. it’s not a high-paying job, but the hours are good (9-5, M-Th) and the organization seems solid.

she’ll also start subbing at escambia county schools on fridays off and on to get into the system (and get some extra $$).
are we excited? definitely. are we relieved? yes and no. we’re far from being out of the woods of our crisis, but this is such a wonderful first step – lise’s been working her butt off to get work and it’s been so depressing and frustrating – this removes much of that and the obvious feelings of rejection that are felt during fruitless searching, applying, calling, interviewing, etc.

the next big thing on our hope / prayer list is: getting the house sold. we’ve dropped the price again and now we begin to lose money on it. we’re very sad that it’s come to this but honestly, a key part of our being able to make it down here will be unloading that house that we love and miss so much. we’ll be working again to save money over the next few years for a down payment on a home in florida, but having that drain on our finances sold will make things much easier.

we’re hitting the beach again tonight to continue our celebration and relax before lise rejoins the rat-race. thanks for your thoughts, prayers, and encouragement over the past few weeks (and months)!

• many thanks to the folks calling, emailing, texting to make sure lise and i were ok after the tornado ripped it’s way through pensacola on thursday. it got within 8 blocks or so of my school and we lost power from 10:15am through the end of the school day, but there was no damage and no one was hurt. definitely made for an interesting day, though!
• funny thing about the tornado: lise and i had NO IDEA that a tornado was going through until my dad sent me a text message saying he saw on the news (in CINCINNATI!) about it and wanted to make sure we were ok. even at the school, we didn’t know.
• many folks are asking how we’re doing since the news we received last wednesday and the answer is: we’re as ok as we can be. we’ve decided to stay the course down here and see where it leads us, but it won’t be without pain and (obviously) sacrifices we weren’t thinking we’d need to make. we’re ok.
• i finished reading Roots by Alex Haley a couple weeks ago. i remember watching the miniseries on TV waaay back in the 70’s when i was a wee lad and it must’ve made an impression on me – as i read the book i very easily visualized scenes and remembered in some cases what was coming next. it was a very good book, despite the apparent “controversies” surrounding Haley and the writing. recommended reading.
• florida has a Sunshine State Young Reader’s Award that is voted on and given each year. our librarian walked each class through this years books and i was so impressed that i took some of our classroom money and bought a couple copies to read aloud and share with the students – two standouts from the list include The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane and A House of Tailors. both are excellent books with edward tulane being my favorite.
• we’ve kept with our decision to not watch any television and have been watching a lot of movies recently. we’ve also discovered Scrubs again for the first time. we’ve seen maybe one or two shows a season but always seemed to be busy the night it’s on – we rented season three and laughed our butts off. i love dr. cox.
• hollywood video is going out of business in several locations here in p-cola, and i stumbled on their liquidation sale at one store – all dvd’s were $1.99! now, there weren’t that many left, but i did end up with 12 movies, several of which are absolute favorites – the biggest of them being Cinema Paradiso. this movie won the best foreign film Oscar back in 1988 – lise and i saw it last year for the first time and we were totally floored with how incredible it was. what a sweet and touching movie! finding the director’s cut version for $1.99 made my week.
• red tide has hit the gulf coast in our area and it’s made it nearly impossible to go to the beach this week. we went last saturday and as we got out of the car, i said, “something doesn’t smell right” – dead fish floating all over and the water was a murky brackish green color. it’s spread up and down the coast and is still affecting the water. seafood friday is still on the schedule for tonight but i’m not sure how long we’ll be on the beach. :-(
• no bites on the house yet. may end up dropping the price yet again – at this point we’re losing more money than it’s worth, but dropping the price means we’ll lose even more. gosh, we just didn’t think it’d take this long!
• we’ve got a birkenstock store here in pensacola that’s bigger than any we’ve been in yet. it’s called comfort zone and one thing that makes it unique is that they have a LARGE “discount” section – we’ve NEVER seen this before from a birk dealer. i found a pair of waterproof birkenstock sandals, normally priced at around $180, for only $19.95. they’re fantastic! woo!! nothing like being flat broke and being able to say you bought a new pair of birkenstocks, yo.
• i’m heading out of school to hit maria’s seafood for some shrimp, then heading home to pick up the wife. be well and thanks for reading.

we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay (no really) we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to be okay

of the atmospheric kind and mental kind.

it’s been a depressing and busy week, hence the lack of babbling here. last week lise was informed that she did not get the job at my school as an aide and it hit harder than i expected. it’s been so damn frustrating dealing with escambia county school district in relation to lise getting a job. how does a guy with no degree in education and no classroom teaching experience (on his own, at least) take two multiple choice tests on a computer and receive a teaching certificate, when a chick with eight years of teaching, a degree in education and art, 5 praxis exams, countless other tests, certificates, awards, memberships, etc. is sent jumping through hoops for six months with mixed messages, ever-changing requirements, department head saying one thing, certification specialist saying another, etc. etc. etc. and she can’t even get hired as a classroom aide? it’s beyond me, honestly. we’re dealing with a pending financial breakdown, a wounded ego, mass frustration, disappointment, and depression.

depression of another sort is upon us as well. a tropical depression is moving through the gulf of mexico and as it moves, we’re getting some awesome and wild clouds which make for even more awesome sunsets. we’re getting ready for what looks to be quite a few days of hard-core rain moving in – this might throw a wrench in our “Seafood Fridays” on the beach, but in the absence of hanging on the beach, i’ll be content watching the storm from the car while eating shrimp. i’m easy that way.

despite both types of depression, things continue to be ok. we’re not eating ramen noodles (yet). the dog is healthy and fine. the apartment is working out as well as it can. we’re meeting more people and getting to know the area quite well. obviously spending 4-5 evenings a week sitting on the beach watching displays like the above pictures show… well, this doesn’t hurt at all.

things haven’t worked out the way we were expecting them to, and while this is not cause for alarm, it IS disappointing and frustrating. are we wondering if we made the right decision? that’s a good question. we NEEDED to move and shake things up a bit. pensacola is still the right place for us to be.

will it continue to be in the educational field in pensacola?

stay tuned – we’ll find out.

i’ll be honest with you:

yesterday right after school, i was ok.

then last night, i started getting really overwhelmed.

and this morning, i was praying to get into a car accident so i didn’t have to come to school.

but things are better. anticipation has a way of causing severe anxiety sometimes, doesn’t it? thinking too much, worrying about what might happen, wondering if you’re going to mess up, fretting that the kids just aren’t going to figure it out and you’re stuck for a whole year with them in an adversarial relationship that prompts your early retirement by about 29 years.

but i arrived this morning in full blown fear mode only to find that my homeroom class (with me from 7:30 til almost 11:00) were completely on the ball. my second class was as rough as i was expecting and cole (my teaching partner, pictured at right) and i are still working on how we’re going to nip this problem in the bud before it spirals out of control.

but i also reasoned this:

these are 5th graders. 11-12 years old. i’m 38. been around the block. it’s not a popularity contest. being laughed at in an attempt to make me feel stupid doesn’t work. being stared down doesn’t frighten me. talking behind my back – psh, what else is new?

but i do have a healthy new respect for teachers. really. i never understood. i’ve pitched my time as a youth minister and my time in special ed as teaching, and certainly it IS, but wow – it’s NOTHING like teaching in a semi-hostile environment where you’ve got 26 kids in the same room, half of whom would much prefer to be elsewhere.

have a favorite teacher somewhere? make sure they know how much you love them. it’ll make their day.

ever had one of those days where even the smiling face of a smiley cookie sets you off?

yeah. it’s been one of those days.

following my rant on God saving me from his followers, i’ve received a good amount of email, IM’s and phone calls about the issue of church, God’s people, and my situation, among other things.

one of the IM’s i got was from an old friend, greg teselle. he wrote a plea for all paid ministers to resign a couple months ago and i think it’s worth taking a look at.

i’ll take his argument a step further, in fact.

long before the fiasco at my previous church occurred, i had been struggling with the concept of paid ministry.

why?

1. the church gets cheapened by becoming not only your “brothers and sisters” but also your “employer” – where does the line get drawn?
2. what is the standard by which ministers are then held?
a. attendance?
b. how the leadership perceives your ministry is going?
c. whether you use _________ (fill in the blank) enough times in your sermon each week
d. how many people are “saved” each year/quarter/month/week
e. number of baptisms?
f. how much is in the collection plate each week?
g. make up your own here
3. what happens when life takes a turn and the minister is unable to minister as he had before? when the minister needs ministering, will the church cut and run?
4. the pressure of pleasing the select group that must be pandered to (leadership? deacons? elders? the founding family of the church? the biggest contributor?) means that you’ve already knocked out the Holy Spirit’s guidance. (this is NOT an indictment on all churches or my saying that all churches i’ve worked with or attended have been run this way)

in essence: church becomes a business. it becomes less about the grace of God and becomes more about a set of man-made standards that are arbitrarily made and/or followed.

this isn’t always true, and i freely admit that there are a large number of churches out there that are doing fantastic ministry without petty squabbles, money-related issues, factions engaged in behind-the-scenes wrangling, ministers with wrong motives, etc.

but i wonder: if paid ministers quit, what would happen? would the church suddenly take notice that they had a responsibility that goes beyond warming pews and dropping a dollar in the plate on Sunday mornings? would the sheep stand up and lead? and would the goats scatter?

what’s my experience in this area? i was the volunteer youth minister at a couple churches over the course of 10 years. over the last 4-5 years, i’ve been on staff as the paid youth minister. i’ve seen both sides and frankly, i can’t imagine going into paid ministry again. my vision as of the summer of 2005 was to go to grad school, get my master’s degree in special ed, quit as the paid youth minister and continue as the youth minister in a volunteer capacity.

so: is there a solution?

i think the model greg is trying with his church, shale harbor, is a good start. root around a little bit and look at what they’re doing.

check out this article from last Sunday’s washington post talking about alternate forms of worship pursued by folks who are tired/burned out on the traditional church model.

read george barna’s book, “Revolution: Burned Out On Church? Finding vibrant faith beyond the walls of the sanctuary.” i’m part way through it now, and as barna is probably the biggest statistics dude out there in evangelical america, he’s got a lot to say on shifting perceptions in the traditional church business.

i’m encouraged by the things i see happening.

but i’m still shopping for a good jockstrap.

over the last couple weeks, i’ve gotten some friendly inquiries from a couple folks wanting to know if my faith is doing ok.

and my response would have to be, “faith in what?” or “faith in whom?”

well, you know, ever since you were somewhat screwed over by your last church. since you and lise have been dealing with mind-numbing medical and mental health issues for the last 3 years. you know, since you feel like you’ve been on the continual downside of the rollercoaster. since you’ve not gone back to church since leaving the ministry. you know, since you don’t really talk about Jesus in all of your blog posts (i mean, you are a minister, aren’t you? you are a christian, right?).

let me dispel this myth.

i admit: after the shock of being treated the way i was at the church, my faith in God got a little shaky. it sure felt like we were being singled out for continual persecution and kicks in the crotch and if God has the power to stop all this and i keep begging him and begging him to do so, and then the people who are supposed to help me by ministering to me (even as i minister to teens) take a swift kick at my crotch, too… well, that certainly was difficult. since God didn’t stop it, then it must be God having fun kicking us around.

depression hit me pretty hard. self-doubt hit hard. questions and anger at God hit hard. i couldn’t believe that God would do this to me!

and the reality is: he didn’t.

another reality is: i can cry, moan, whine, beg, plead, be angry, scream and hold my breath until i’m blue in the face, but God didn’t set out to prove a point by torturing me or lise.

sometimes crap happens.

and i think that God gets too much of the credit and too much of the blame. i also think satan gets too much credit and blame as well.

so towards what, then, has my faith suffered?

God’s people.

i know, i know – it’s an unfair, blanket statement. but the shock of 17+ years of following Jesus and seeing God’s people treating others of God’s people with SO much disrespect (and then being on the receiving end in such a time of need) – this really put me over the top. it’s made it difficult for me to trust and even listen to Christians because i’m wondering what their motives really are. wondering what they’re really thinking.

jim snyder told me back in december as i was first dealing with what had happened: scott, we’re all broken sinners and we don’t play well in the sandbox together. it still seems too simplistic to me but i guess it’ll have to work.

in the last 2 weeks alone, two friends of mine who are also in ministry have been dealt with in similar (yet different) ways, the end result being their leaving the church/ministry. over the last 17 years, we’ve seen people in leadership get forced out over the silliest things. we’ve seen folks in the congregations we’ve been a part of get hurt (at the hands of leaders and/or other lay people) to the point of leaving and with no restoration of peace or fellowship. we’ve seen people get used and discarded. we’ve seen people who needed to be taken care of and ministered to get shunned and ignored.

and i can’t imagine that God sits back and says, “good work, folks! this is exactly what i was talking about when i sent my son to die for y’all! keep it up!”

am i guilty, too? definitely.

are there good and awesome things happening in the name of God? absolutely.

but right this minute, i can’t imagine going to a church and opening myself back up again, sharing my life with a group of people who i’ll wonder if i’m going to get hurt again. see, several older guys who’ve been in ministry a long time advised me that i shared too much – with the youth group and with the senior ministers. they advise me that i should have kept my mouth shut and just dealt with the things going on in our lives alone.

but i don’t think that’s what ministry’s about – ministry can’t be conducted in a vacuum. God works, leads, directs us through our lives and the everyday things, in part.

keep it to myself? hold it in? don’t share myself with the folks i minister to? keep it on the superficial? i’ve served under a minister who did just that. he’s a good teacher but his interpersonal skills and compassion (as well as leadership skills) are awful. he admits he doesn’t like dealing with people and would rather not be leading a church.

i’d rather not do ministry at all than to have to guard and shield myself from God’s followers.

my faith in God? rock solid. i don’t understand why all this is happening, but God’s not up there with levers and switches angling a big shoe at my crotch.

my faith in God’s people? shaky. will this improve? i hope so.

i may just have to invest in a good jockstrap before i get back into church.

the washington post has an interesting article regarding this issue.

i’ve considered doing this.

but then i think: why should the whole church be punished for the actions of a few?

i guess it’s difficult no matter what you do in church leadership, as you’re not just leading a flock of people, you’re also running a business. where does the “tending the sheep” end and the “business” begin? at what point does the responsibility for an individual’s spiritual and mental health end and the responsibility to the business-end (financial?) of the church pick up?

over the past couple months i’ve been trying to work a theory out on why christians treat each other as they do. why the backbiting? why the rude, accusatory way we treat each other? why the suspicion? why the doubt and questioning? why, especially, the lack of forgiveness (or even opportunity to attempt to make things right – achieve forgiveness and mend brokenness)?

is the answer really as simplistic as the fact that we’re all broken sinners living in a broken world?

aren’t we supposed to be set apart? aren’t we supposed to be models for the world-at-large of how forgiveness and restoration are achieved? are we not supposed to be mirroring to each other (and the world) the very thing that Jesus came and showed? that Paul explained further?

i realize that this may sound like a knee-jerk reaction to recent events but the truth is that it’s been in my mind since realizing my need for Jesus 17 years ago. in the 17 years since then, i’ve seen so many hurting people hurt other hurting people in the christian community and it disgusts me.

i’m certainly no saint and have done my share of the hurting (intentionally and not). upon realization of the hurting i’ve caused, i’m always needing to seek forgiveness – my conscience doesn’t allow me to let these things go without acknowledging my part in it. mending what was broken and being given the opportunity to make right, or at least attempting to, is crucial.

but having discussed this with several people whose grasp of Jesus seems stronger than mine, the overwhelming sentiment is that we’re sinners. broken. we don’t play well in the sandbox together.

one person said, “scott, you’re not REALLY surprised by all this!” “of course i am,” i replied. “no ” he said, “you’re just shocked because it’s your turn on the receiving end.”

we’re all just broken sinners?

seems like a copout.