take a well-known topic / book / movie and, in round-robin fashion, start with one person who has to think of a character or main feature starting with A, then go to the next person who has to do the same for B, then the next person for C, etc. – keep this going until someone gets stuck, is eliminated, and play goes to the next person. the winner is obvioiusly the last person left standing.

the first time i remember him initiating this game, we tackled Harry Potter. A was Albus, B was Beasley, C was… well, you get the picture.

this could be done with that ghastly “Twilight” series and/or the movie, or a TV show, etc.

just another great time-killer for long drives.

“yes, yes, but how does one play?” you may be wondering.

it’s simple.

each individual starts with the letter A and, using anything OUTSIDE of the car, van, or bus you’re riding in, finds a word that begins with that letter before moving on to the next letter in the alphabet. each word can only be used once, so the trick is to be the first to say the word and the letter. the person that gets through the entire alphabet first wins!

so, for example: lise and i are driving down the road and she sees a car with an Alabama license plate. she says, “Alabama, A.” and then moves on to B. because i didn’t say it first, she gets the A. i might see a street name “Anandale St.” and a Buick with California plates and if i can say them all fast enough, “Anandale, A; Buick, B; California, C” then i get the three of them. but if lise needs the C and she calls california first, she gets it and i’m still stuck on C.

other rules:

• INFERRED words don’t count. if i see an Audi and know it’s an Audi but don’t see the word “Audi” on the car? can’t use it.
• Initials don’t count (unless you agree to it at the beginning – CDL Trucking can’t be used for C).
• Distracting an opponent in the hopes that they won’t see a letter / word they are looking for is perfectly acceptable.
• X is a somewhat difficult word – in the past we have allowed that as long as the letter X is IN the word somewhere, it counts. Z can also be included in this rule.
• Petty bickering over who said it first is counterproductive, as the point of the game is to a) have fun and b) kill time. the bigger the group, the more difficult it is to avoid petty bickering, but appoint a referree just in case.
• Restroom breaks generally bring a time-out in the game.
• Writing a word on a piece of paper and sticking the paper out the window probably warrants a penalty of some sort. it’s not acceptable, at any rate.

because we didn’t make the X or Z exception, our game went on for hours, with my winning at approximately 11:30pm in Century, FL as we drove through a School Zone. lise was napping.

we were bookin’ on through and i started making a mental list of all the things i had needed to get together and put in the car before we left. things were going along just fine until i thought to myself, “hey, something doesn’t feel right here…” i looked down and said,

“hey! where the hell are my shoes??”

the trouble with living by the beach? being too comfortable with being barefoot all the time.

besides this minor snafu, the trip to cincy has been a good one.

happy new year!

we love ‘em.

in the midwest, they’re everywhere. and every year we go search for The Pumpkin. in the patch. we get our shoes muddy, our hands dirty, and trudge through the rows looking for just the right one.

two sundays ago i hit google and searched for a pumpkin patch near pensacola. and in a 4 county range, there was only one. excited we were! hitched up the dog we did! loaded the address into the GPS and into the car we got!

and drove. and drove. and drove some more.

until finally, the GPS said, “turn left” – and we did. and hit a freaky dirt road.

and drove down the dirt road we did. and drove. and drove. seemingly into the middle of nowhere.

dirt flying, no living creatures anywhere (except for this turkey vulture chowing down on a tasty smooshed armadillo), we began to worry.

until!

until the GPS says, “turn left” and we look. and there is nothing but a closed road. and a sign saying, “road closed.” and it looks like it’s been closed a good while. and it’s the very road that the pumpkin patch is on.

we exchange glances.
we yell at the GPS.
the dog whines.
the dust settles.
we shrug.

and we kept going. and going. and going.

and at long last we hit asphalt. and 20 yards later?

the road. it’s a loop! woo-hoo! pumpkin patch, here we come!!

and 2 miles later?

dead end.

bummed we were! the great pumpkin will not reward us with candy! auggghhhh!!!!

what’s with florida and no pumpkin patches??

but this post is about the day we got really stupid.

we were bored. it was summer. a saturday afternoon. the sun was out, it was warm, there was nothing to do. we hooked up early that day because we weren’t going to be able to go out that evening.

scott was driving that trusty old granada that had taken us so many miles down so many roads. we drove around for a while trying to think of something to do when he finally turned to me and said, “do you want to jump myrtle’s tit?”

well, this was a new one on me.

“myrtle’s tit? you get a girlfriend or something?”
“no, you dumbass,” he replied, using his hands to give a visual. “myrtle’s tit is a stretch of downhill road in anderson township that has a big bump halfway down it. you can jump it and go airborne!”
“woo-hoo! let’s do it!” was my response.

we arrive at the hill and sit at the top, making sure there’s no oncoming traffic before making the big run. coast is clear, we’re buckled in, tunes cranked, scott guns the engine, and we speed off.

now, i’ve heard of instances where people talk about life suddenly going in slow motion but it always sounded a bit fishy to me. this was the first time i ever experienced it myself and it was stunning.

we hit myrtle’s tit at a high rate of speed and the world slowed to a crawl. you feel the crunch of the road, see your knuckles white on the dashboard, feel the car going airborne as the back tires finally follow the front, severing contact with the pavement. time stretched and it felt like we must’ve been free falling for ten seconds or more. the adrenaline hits around this point, and you think you can do anything.

then the film speeds back up, the thud of 3156lbs of steel reestablishing ties to terra firma brings you back to your senses, and you let out a loud cry of victory and surprise – you left the full ashtray open, both of your cokes are uncapped, and your bag of doritos unsecured – all of these items now occupy space throughout the interior of the car.

we pulled off at the bottom to collect our wits, relive the excitement, and clean up our mess.

we drove a couple more hours that day, but we kept hearing this metallic ka-thunk-ing sound coming from the rear. we stopped to look several times but found nothing. it wasn’t until we got to east fork lake that scott finally realized what it was. we pulled over, walked to the back of the car, and took the hubcap off the passenger side rear tire.

the rattling ka-thunking? two of the lug bolts snapped off, the third one was stripped almost to the end, and the fourth one was quite loose. we’d been driving on essentially one lug bolt all day.

that was the beginning of the end of that sweet car. it didn’t last too much longer after that. but the memories of myrtle’s tit? they’ll last forever.

this was our usual routine on friday and saturday nights: scott comes and picks me up. we pick up a couple cokes, a bag of doritos, make sure one of us brought the pink floyd tapes, and hit the road, driving scott’s ‘77 ford granada through the backroads of clermont county, ohio and beyond until i had to be home.

but this night? it was the longest we’d been out driving ever. we took off around 7pm and drove all over clermont county, out to adams county, probably into brown county, and then decided to hit hamilton county. it’s probably 4 a.m. and we’re driving through delhi, where the hills are crazy big. we’re running on adrenaline and talking all kinds of silly crap.

we crest the hill and head down the steep ravine-like road when i spot a huge pile of trash sitting on the curb at the very bottom of this hill. the following conversation takes place:

me: …and you better watch out because if you hit that garbage at the bottom of the hill, it’ll be like, ‘BOOM!’ shit flies everywhere!!
him: shitflies? what are shitflies?
me: no, no – you hit that pile of garbage and shit… flies everywhere.
him: yeah, i heard you the first time, but what are shitflies? i’ve never heard of those.
me: no, dude – look… you’re driving down this hill and you run into that pile of trash. if you do that, shit will fly all over the place! shit – flies, not shitflies.

we give each other “the look” like the other is crazy, and bust out laughing. there are few times i can remember laughing so hard and re-telling it live is one of my favorite stories to share.

and the code word, to this day, is shit flies. or is it shitflies?

i knew what i was after the first time i saw this plate a year ago. the colors! the sunset! the water! dolphins don’t hurt, either. (yes, i had to include my fish n chips logo, too. sorry. it goes with the motif, no?)

lise spent some time checking out the myriad of plate choices and finally went with this one:

what, exactly, is the message she is trying to send? on the surface, “save our seas” she would tell you. deep down? i think she wants to swim with sharks and take a bite outta something, just for fun. maybe it’s “tailgate me and you’ll sleep with fishes!”

florida definitely has the rockingest plates we’ve seen thus far – i will say that the john lennon plate is taking it a bit far, however… (it HAS raised almost $700,000 to combat hunger in the state – maybe i ought to back off, eh?). thank goodness we didn’t become the most embarrassing state in the union with the “I Believe” plate that was threatened earlier this year. whew! crisis averted!

the comment came on facebook where this unnamed individual had the unmitigated gall to say, “Uh….Scott….did you dye your hair BLONDE???!?!?!?!” and my response was along the lines of, “why are you picking on me? it’s gray – don’t be a meanie!”

i’ve had gray in my hair since the tender age of 16 when a quarter-size patch appeared near my hairline. it’s not a big deal, really.

but i’ll never forget the day ten or so years ago when i almost bought the farm because of gray hair.

lise and i were out together for the day. we were living in maryland and had driven up to lancaster, pennsylvania to drive around, get some lunch, shop amish, and enjoy the time with each other. it was approaching evening with the orange sun setting fire to the ground in the direction we’re heading. i was driving down the narrow road, shared with amish horse-and-buggy types in both directions, when, out of nowhere, lise swings her arm over and whacks me square in the chest, exclaiming, “Oh My Gosh!!!”

well, i about drove into a ditch, taking a couple bonnet-capped mennonites with us.

“what on earth’s going on?!? why are you hitting me and scaring me? What? WHAT??”

“you’ve got a gray hair in your beard!”

“WHA??? you almost get us KILLED because of a gray hair in my BEARD??”

we’ve laughed every time the story has been told in the intervening years, but at that point i was ready to open the passenger side door and leave her with electricity-less ones. thankfully her response was redeeming and to the point: “well, i still love you, even if you are old and gray.”

and indeed, that gray hair mated with others and their ilk have spread throughout my facial hair.

it’s not a big deal. really.

there are few benefits involved in hearing loss – the cost of equipment, the things i cannot do, the social things that are missed out on, the annoyance of loud restaurants, not being able to swim or be out in the rain and hear, advantages students take when they realize you can’t hear, loss of patience from people who are tired of repeating themselves for you, etc. – it’s a costly disability any way you slice it.

the few “benefits” there are can be counted on one hand – i’ll tell you about the first one today.

lise and i lived in washington d.c. & baltimore for close to ten years – our favorite outings were ones where we would get in the car, gas up the tank, and drive and explore. there were a number of state and national parks within a couple hours’ drive and we always loved going & hiking, driving, picnicking, etc.

but the cost. holy crap. i mean, we’re talking 15 years ago and i remember having to pay $5 to get into shenandoah national park in virginia (it’s now $8 to $15 per car, depending on the season). assateague island was around $8 (and it’s also now up to $15). blackwater national wildlife reserve was $2 or $3 to drive through, even. we were floored, although we paid and usually had to save up to do it. it sure seems silly now, but that’s how poor we were with lise full time in school and neither of us making much money.

so picture this: one day we’re in a line of cars leading up to the entrance to shenandoah in front royal, virginia. their big welcoming sign posts all their fees, etc. and down toward the bottom…

“Golden Access Card – Disabled – FREE”

i turned to lise and said, “gee, i wonder what constitutes ‘disabled’ here?” figuring it was more profoundly handicapped.

we pulled up to the window and i handed the dude my $5. as he’s handing me my receipt, the following conversation takes place:

“here’s your change and a map of the park, sir.”
“thanks. hey, what do i have to do to get a Golden Access Card?”
“what’s your disability?”
“uh, (looks at watch) about 2:00.”

he glances at my hearing aid, motions for the receipt back, hands me my $5, points up the hill and annunciates clearly while looking me square in the face, “drive up the hill and turn into the ranger station. they’ll give you an application and a card.”

and with that, i got a golden access card, allowing me into any national park in the country. for free.

we’ve used the thing a lot over the years but lost track of the card maybe 6 years ago. during the move, it was discovered in a box and set aside.

today we hit gulf island national seashore at perdido key – the card still works.

what’s that?

uh, about 2:00.

two weekends ago we drove to mobile, alabama primarily to find an indian restaurant (found! but more on that later). after eating, we decided to drive around downtown mobile, then took a wrong turn down a main road leading through the beginnings of suburbia. just as we were about to turn around and head back, we saw it.

a tourist-destination sign… for a cemetery.

we looked at each other, looked at the sign again, looked at each other and said, “if there’s a sign for a cemetery, it’s gotta be a good one.”

and it was. it is.

magnolia cemetery sits on 120 acres close to the downtown area and has graves dating back to the early 1800’s. there are many magnolia trees on the property and on this particular weekend – memorial day – there was a massive and impressive flag display as well.

we are intrigued by several things in graveyards (and these determine whether we go to a graveyard at all or just drive by):

1. are the majority of the graves OLD ones?
2. are there a good number of elaborate, ornate graves?
3. can we go traipsing around without getting yelled at by caretakers?

the answer to each of these questions on this day: YES!!

any time we find a cool old graveyard, we begin by making a bet on what the oldest grave is we’ll see. this is frequently hampered by graves so old that one is no longer able to read the inscriptions. this makes for much sadness but also adds to the challenge! there are graves dating back to the War of 1812 at magnolia, but the oldest ones we saw were just a few years short of the Civil War.

you can see the civil war cannon on the side of picture number 6 above. the angels are quite expressive, although i admit to making a joke about the angel in the middle picture above giving the finger due to a missing index finger (and wishful thinking / selective seeing). some of the crypts were stunning – marble with intricate designs, fencing, and inscriptions.

our interest is all the more unusual given that neither lise nor i have any desire to be put in an expensive box with an expensive rock on top of an expensive piece of land upon our deaths. we’re both shooting for a nice cremation and ashes scattered in various spots around ohio, maryland, and florida. if we die together and you hear that we’re being boxed up, please print and send this article to the funeral planners, eh?

we probably spent an hour here, looking, listening, watching, talking, thinking, photographing. it was quite peaceful and awe-inspiring. the lengths to which some of the families have gone to preserve some sort of legacy or record was extraordinary – and i say that with respect.

i was surprised at the haunting beauty of the place and large scale of many of the plots to the point of turning to lise and saying, “well, this looks like a pleasant place to be dead.” she smiled at me and we both knew we were thinking the same thing: it’s beautiful here, but please: don’t put me here!

i’ll worry more if the engine block starts spinning and green vomit comes out the tailpipe.

joe satriani – come on baby
katie reider – show your love
dave matthews / tim reynolds – crash into me
david crosby / phil collins – hero
buddy miles – them changes
caedmon’s call – shifting sand
andy osenga – swing wide the glimmering gates
the band – up on cripple creek
alan parsons band – lost without you
alanis morissette – hand in my pocket
jethro tull – aqualung
john coltrane – say it (over and over again)
judas priest – electric eye
journey – any way you want it
ludacris – freedom of preach
luna halo – aliens
justin hayward / john lodge – when you wake up
monty python – lumberjack song
monty python – the penis song
monty python – always look on the bright side of life
chris deburgh – patricia the stripper
50 cent – my gun go off
zz top – sharp dressed man
rodney carrington – show them to me
roger waters – what god wants pt. 1
ray charles – drown in my own tears
neko case – margaret vs. pauline
mercyme – it’s my joy
led zeppelin – moby dick
jars of clay – flood
jim weider – prayer
audio adrenaline – walk on water
buddy guy – now you’re gone
brian setzer orchestra – winter wonderland
butch walker and the let’s go out tonights – hot girls in good moods
calexico – above the branch
cowboy junkies – to love is to bury
damien rice – the blower’s daughter
grateful dead – brokedown palace
kt tunstall – immune
keith jarrett trio – rider
neil young – rockin in the free world

an extra prize is given to the first person to guess what song lise fell asleep to, leaving scott to pick all of the rest of the tunes.

off we went for a couple hours to at least get out and enjoy the sun and the warmth. we intended on grabbing a bite at subway and scooting over to the beach for a quick picnic under the umbrella. a right powerful long line of cars heading to the bridge deterred us from a beachside lunch, however, and we were scurrying to find an alternative.

i’d seen the signs for the Naval Live Oaks area of the Gulf Island National Seashore a couple of times but we’d never gone to this area, just a couple miles east of pensacola beach. the pictures speak for themselves, but allow me to ruin it just a bit by saying: this was a very pleasant spot to stop and eat.

and then we went home and i crashed. :-)

so yesterday morning i got my act together, my things together, kissed my wife and petted my dog goodbye, and got out the door by 6:30 or so as the sun was rising. that first hour of the drive is always invigorating – on the road again, gearing up for a long drive, getting some time to just sit, look, think, listen. driving solo is not my favorite thing to do but there’s something to be said for the ability to contemplate your existence. there was a nice sunrise going on and up near century, florida there were pockets of mist and fog that stirred the old imagination up.

once i hit alabama the sun disappeared and has yet to be seen again. could this have been a harbinger of things to come? one never knows.

the drive was uneventful until almost to the alabama / tennessee border where, from a mile away, i see a huge confederate flag flying high. now, my opinion about the confederate flag is mixed as i have seen it used as a racist symbol to intimidate but also as a source of genuine pride. the vast majority of the use i’ve seen has been the former, however.

so now i’m wondering what clown would fly this thing so big that it can be seen a mile away. as i get closer, i pull over and get my camera out – this one is too good to pass by.

it’s the alabama chapter of the sons of the confederacy. their contact info? 1-800-MY-SOUTH. yeesh. i found them online and their purpose statement seems awash in doublespeak. this is an uninformed opinion, however.

i was making good time through tennessee and looked to arrive in cincinnati before 7pm. mom had already made some dinner and was ready to come over to the house with it when all of the sudden…

i-65 became a parking lot.

70 miles south of louisville, traffic comes to a halt. no signs. no emergency vehicles. no detours. just immobilized cars.

now, i lived in washington d.c. and baltimore for 10 years: i know about traffic. no problem, i said. we’ll wait it out. but then things start inching along. and continue to inch. and inch. and inch. and after about 90 minutes of inching and going maybe 7 miles, i begin texting folks to find out what the hell is going on here – my stick shift is a joy to drive until you have to work the clutch like this for more than 30 minutes. no one knew what was up. and at the 120 minute mark, i’m going a bit nuts. finally at about the 150 minute mark and 10-15 miles later, this is what i see:

still no emergency vehicles, no cops, just a couple guys trying to get a trailer out of the ditch.

well, dinner’s cold now and it’s going to be too late to have mom over. i drive for a spell, pull over, sleep for 30 minutes, and get back to it, arriving at the house around 9pm.

i’m getting too old for this.

huge billboard on I-65 in alabama, en route to pensacola.

hee hee – what are these people thinking?

karen is absolutely one of Scott’s Girls. and you can read about why here.

the wedding was great. shortest one i’ve ever been to.

“do you take her?”

“i do.”

“do you take him?”

“i do.”

i now pronounce you….

it was pretty wild. :-) reception rocked. seeing her family again for the first time in several years rocked.

more stories and pictures to follow. we’ll be in maryland til sunday morning and then heading back to cincinnati.

you MIGHT be able to click here to see the other wedding pics. if not? sorry!