rustypants speaks

scott went into the air force right out of high school. that we kept in touch was pretty amazing, given both of our personalities and lack of letter-writing skills, but hey – we were best friends! (still are!)

so at some point, he’s stationed in okinawa, japan for the long haul. i was living in some crap apartment in mt. washington that had an annual fly problem that resulted in literally dozens and dozens of drunk flies that appear in the apartment, sit on the patio door for 2 days, and promptly die.

in a fit of brilliance, i scoop up a dozen or so dead flies, put them in a little tiny plastic baggie, stick it in an envelope with a note inside the baggie saying, “genuine ohio shitflies,” and send it off.

months later, i get a letter from scott telling me the reason it’s taken him so long to write was that he was imprisoned for introducing a foreign organic substance onto japanese soil, how this is illegal in that part of the world, and the consequences could have been worse.

and me – i stopped breathing for a minute and my heart skipped a couple beats. i was floored that i had gotten him into that much trouble sending him a baggie of joke shitflies.

at the end of the letter, knowing i’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, he tells me he’s “shitting” me and ha-ha-ha.

i’ve never been so relieved and so wanting to kill someone as at that exact moment.