rustypants speaks

“…but he’s a good dog!”

“oh, i’m sure of that!” the prosecution sneered. “is it not true that on two separate occasions this holiday season, your ‘good dog’ barked viciously at the lord jesus?”

“uh, well, um… that would be difficult as the lord is in heaven, right?” i asked hesitatingly.

“your insolence will not be tolerated, nor will the anti-holiday, anti-jesusness of your mangy mutt! your dog had the trained inclination to growl and bark at the graven images of the lord jesus in two separate manger scenes! confess your dogs’ sins and this court will go easier on you!”

“ok, look. my dog did, in fact, bark at the image of jesus in two different manger scenes this past week but…”

“ah HAH!!! you’ve been caught! your honor, this heretic has confessed and i demand swift and appropriate justice!”

“…but wait. let me explain.”

“oh, you need not explain, you perverted anti-jesus lunatic!”

“no, no, no! please understand: my dog isn’t barking at jesus per se, he’s barking at the nerve that some people have in thinking they can depict the lord in a certain fashion - to pigeonhole him, as it were. these WASP-y images of jesus are not only grossly inaccurate, they also go against carving images of god and worshiping them (as you seem to be doing with this prosecution). my dog simply wants christmas to be taken back to the important things and less on the worshiping of physical things like images, money, presents, etc. surely you can agree with that!?”

“were you just doing your mr. know-it-all routine there and making all that up on the spot?”

“um. yeah. ha. haha. pretty good, huh?”

“send him and his dog to the brig!”

snark·y (snär’kē)
adj. snark·i·er, snark·i·est Slang

1. Rudely sarcastic or disrespectful; snide.
2. Irritable or short-tempered; irascible.

[From dialectal snark, to nag, from snark, snork, to snore, snort, from Dutch and Low German snorken, of imitative origin.]

snark’i·ly adv.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

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say it outloud for the best effect. go ahead! do it! say, “snarky” - isn’t that a fun word? snark. snark. snarky. snnnnarrrky! haha! i love it! it sounds just bad enough that you wonder if it’s a curse word. it’s got a nice rough sound to it but it’s got some smooth flow to it, too - it’s just a nice combination of sounds and letters - it’s fun to say over and over!!

now, it wouldn’t be unfair to say that at my school, many snarky comments are made by the kids. to whom? to each other. to me. to anyone who will listen. last week i stopped one kid in his tracks just as he was about to shoot off some (snarky) comment in response to my having to redirect him for the third time. all i said was, “i can see you’d like to make some snarky comment right about now, but i highly advise that you keep it to yourself.” and he wasn’t sure what to make of it. i could tell that he was using the (context clues) knowledge that he was going make a smartass comment to try and figure out what snarky meant. i could also tell that he wasn’t exactly sure. and as the debate raged in his head, no snarky comments were made.

woo-hoo!! way to go, SNARKY!!!! (go ahead and say it again. you know you want to)

your homework this week: find a way to sneak the word snarky into a conversation. some suggestions?

“well, bob, there’s no reason to be snarky about it!”

“that’ll be the last snarky comment you make around this house, young man! go to your room!”

“snarky snarky snarky snarky snnnaarrrrrrrkyyyy!!!!!”

please be sure to turn your homework results in to this site by posting a comment on how you used it. please include the context of the conversation, the exact phrasing you used, and the reaction of the person to whom you said it. bonus points will be given if the recipient of the word asked you what snarky meant.

friday was the last day of school before christmas break and the kids, as you would expect, were antsy.

i lost track of the number of requests i received to “please, mr. rust, give us a free day today!” and the number of eyes they rolled when i replied, “wait… you’re getting SIXTEEN DAYS OFF SCHOOL and you want to come to school and get another?”

so motivation was an issue.

during my reading group, the first 20 minutes or so were quite lethargic and i knew i was going to have trouble actually starting a new lesson… but i had no choice. 55 minutes remained in my reading block and something had to be done. i told the class, “ok! find lesson nineteen in your reading books!” and was met with a very obnoxious chorus of wailing and protests. more begging ensued for a free day and my Biggest Whiner was taking it to a new level, threatening what little stability remained. we were reaching critical mass and i was starting to worry.

then i remembered that i still had a crate of cupcakes leftover from the previous days’ class christmas party. cupcakes that my kids didn’t know about.

without saying a thing, i nonchalantly strolled over to my closet, opened it and pulled out my crate of cupcakes. carrying it to the center of the class, i lowered it so all 17 of my reading students could see the brightly colored, icing laden, sugar-soaked goodies.

and Biggest Whiner, without taking his eyes off the cupcakes (or missing a beat), said: “suddenly i feel like reading, mr. rust!”

and as i laughed harder than i had in weeks, i thought, “oh, crap… where’m i gonna get a crate of cupcakes NEXT time?”

and i tell the truth here: my group spent 55 minutes busting their chops on that reading lesson. that, my friends, was the true icing on the cake.

that was my answer to the nurse’s question, “what brings you to the doctor’s office?”

i called for an appointment yesterday afternoon because i’ve had a cough since thanksgiving. it’s not one of those old man coughs or even a nice phlegmy cough (best for loogeys). it’s been more of a “snotty-today-dry-tomorrow-here-and-there-somedays-worse-than-others” cough that i’ve just decided to live with (and sadly, it’s easy for me to adjust and just “live with it”).

no sooner had i walked in the door and they’ve got me in the x-ray room stripped down to my shorts hugging a cold x-ray machine and holding my breath. listening to my chest and looking at the results of the x-rays, the doc says, “bronchitis with maybe a touch of pneumonia… i’m not certain about the last part. you’ve got some cloudy spots on the right side… i’ll need to send these to a technician and we’ll call you next week if we need you to do intravenous antibiotics…”

he proceeds to hand me packets of horse-pill sized antibiotics and samples of singulair and sends me on my way. he tells me as i’m leaving, “tell your wife: good call! keep up the good work!”

doggoneit - i was hoping it’d be nothing so i could be the one to say, “told ya so!”

apparently crow goes down easier with a glass of milk.

i’m sick. i’m frustrated. i can’t sleep. something fun must be shared.

for the last 2 years, lise and i have joked (?) about finding “The Big One” out on the beach. we go out frequently since we moved here in august ‘07 to enjoy sunsets, find shells, walk the dog, listen to the waves, eat shrimp, etc.

but “find shells” is high up on our list. i can’t psychobabble well enough to try and guess why we like our shells so much (growing up in the midwest is the best i can come up with) but doggoneit, we do. and sometimes we score with some pretty cool shells. most of the time we find more of the same old stuff.

but “The Big One” has long held a fascination for us. you know: you see these big seashells in stores down here or in seashell shops but what you find on the beach and in the water is typically smaller stuff with florida conch shells and cockle shells being the largest specimens. and don’t get me wrong - these are cool things! but being a typical boy, size seems to matter more than it ought to. lise and i have talked about how we’re gonna find The Big One at some point, and have made it a joke at the end of the evening when we DON’T find The Big One to curse Neptune loudly and vow to come back and raid & pillage his kingdom until he gives us what we desire.

the pillaging can now come to an end.

this past sunday, lise was out lunching with friends and helping with the church christmas show, leaving the dog and i to hang out together, head to school and do some work, then hit the beach for some exercise, frolicking, frisbee, and shell hunting. there had been some huge storms friday & saturday and high winds on sunday - all good conditions for finding unique shells, as these things churn up the sand and cause big waves that wash more stuff to the shore.

it was brisk out. the sand was cold. the water much warmer. the area was literally deserted on the navarre side of p-cola beach. we got out and walked a good clip to the east, finding a couple of neat shells and having a great time chasing each other around. dog got tired after a while and trotted back to the bag and sat, waiting for me to return. i decided i wanted to head up the western side a little ways just to savor the time out at the water (and who knows: maybe The Big One was lurking out there just waiting for me).

about 20 yards from where we had our stuff, there it was. a lightning whelk. one of my favorite shells. this sucker was huge. i mean, HUMONGOUS! the top was so big that it was actually sticking up out of the water!

the storms had moved the sand around and caused some areas of the shoreline to be quite shallow - maybe 4-5 inches with the tide coming in. and it was in one of these spots that The Big One sat, wide open and calling my name.

i honestly looked around to see if someone was watching with cameras or maybe there was a string tied to it (neptune?) and would yank it away before i could get it…

i walked out into the water, reaching down expecting to find that it was an incomplete shell - broken somewhere, cracked, maybe only the outer 3/4 of it intact and the inside busted up. but no! it was the whole kit and kaboodle.

i screamed. well, ok. i didn’t quite scream, but i did yell out and i looked all over to see if i could somehow share this moment with someone, but truth is, the person i wanted to share with the most was lise.

so the dog and i walked back, got a few pictures of this beast, and called my wife. at home, the ruler showed an almost 12″ long shell. i’m still surprised. doing a little homework on this shell shows an average size being around 6-8″ (and we’ve found a couple that were close to 6″).

i can now retire from the shell-hunting game. neptune has been bested and can kiss my rear.

an interesting (and good!) article in this week’s time magazine takes a short look at rob bell, teaching pastor at mars hill church in grand rapids, MI. anyone who’s known me as their youth pastor / camp pastor / friend over the last 5-6 years knows that rob made a huge impression on me. i stop short of saying that i was a lot like rob as a youth minister, but i will say that he does ministry in a similar way that i have always tried: a frank, hands-on approach to the practical application of Jesus and the understanding of the past / present / future -ness of the Kingdom of God to our lives.

his sermons are available via podcast, too, and are worth the 50 minutes to listen.

…and my crazy face!”

this was my chorus today as students attempted to stomp on the last nerve in my body. again, at the crossroads of insanity and genius, i chose to make light of my predicament. i began rapping “a fist full of referrals and my crazy face” to students when things were getting out of hand or that “one kid” who always asks “those questions” raised his hand - and it was a hit. it kept me sane, defused a few potentially explosive situations, and got quite a few laughs as i hammed it up and wrote a few more lines while doing my best rap imitation.

so pictures were taken, edited and tweaked - next week, this is what will be plastered around the room as a warning…

i only wish i had my hoodie with me today. drat!

after a particularly ridiculous couple of days dealing with student and administration behavior that threatened to send me over the edge (and some might say actually did at a couple points), i sat down this afternoon and realized that the only way i would be able to drag myself back into that school tomorrow would be to absolutely make fun of / go nuts over the things i am so very pissed off at.

without further ado, i present to you The ____________ Elementary School Teacher Drinking Game.

enjoy. and please remember to educate responsibly: don’t drink and teach.

(click for the full size - click here for the PDF version)

just the thing

to get me through the day?

“for what am i being punished?”

today, harper and i were given a planning day - subs were requested for our classes and we were jubilant over the prospect of catching up on paperwork and planning, not to mention being out of the room for the day.

but i’ve gotta tell ya: this is how i looked and felt at the end of the day. too many people bothering us, too many kids acting up, too many questions, too many new problems that had to be dealt with instead of planning or grading. i’d love to say that it was a great day but i’d be full of crap.

how long til christmas break??

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edit: to be fair, things did get accomplished today - it was good to have the day to get those things squared away, but the original intent was for planning and because of constant interruptions, that did not happen. i’m tired of spending so damn much time up at school never getting caught up. classroom 305: my room // my prison.

i confess that back in junior high

i owned pat benatar’s get nervous album.

and loved shadows of the night.

this past saturday was our 17th anniversary and we decided to celebrate pensacola style.

we slept in that morning (always a good thing!) and lounged around a bit before taking off. we gathered the dog and his stuff up and took off in the car for the afternoon.

our first stop was J’s Pastry Shop on the east side of town (about a dozen blocks from my school). J’s has been rumored to have the best sweets and pastries in all of p-cola and lise and i have to concur: if you’re in the area and you neglect to stop in on this icon of our town and treat yourself to a sweet, well you’re just plain crazy, i reckon. a couple maple walnut pastry thingies kept us held over while we skipped lunch.

we then took a drive around this area as it’s near escambia bay. almost all of the waterfront is taken by houses but it’s a pretty drive and the houses are gorgeous. there’s a dog park on this bay as well but i didn’t understand at the time that it was several miles further south than where we were. oh, well - dolby didn’t complain when we took him to my school playground and ran him around with the frisbee and sticks.

he’s a good dog and we love having him around. he loves his frisbee (to death) and running around like a nut is a specialty of his.

we got him plumb wore out (like my southern-speak here?) and hung out together a bit longer before cruising around a bit more and heading home to drop him off.

then the real party could begin.

we gathered all our beach things and hit the road to p-cola beach. we’ve been sad lately because of the early sunsets that prevent us from visiting the beach as much during the week. being on central time here has messed with our internal clocks - the sun sets around 4:45 and lise works til 5:00, so we’re limited for the next few months in when we get to sit and watch the sun go down and the waves crashing.

but watch we did - and get in, too.

the locals are funny in the way that temperatures hit the low 70’s and everyone says, “oh, beach season is over. bummer.” and they abandon the gulf. me? i don’t get it. we hadn’t intended on getting into the water but the conditions were right, the shells were washing up and down the water and there just was no denying the inalienable right to strip down to one’s underpants and get into the surf in the name of a couple cool seashells. my apologies to anyone offended by my boxers.

oh, hell. deal with it.

well, the water was a bit cold and really, for all the shells floating around out there, not a WHOLE lot was caught. but we had a good time. it was overcast so our evening sunset was somewhat canceled, but it was replaced by a cooler sight: a great blue heron that has been following us around on the beach the last couple weeks.

it was back in maryland where we first fell in love with great blues. they were all over the place - they live mainly in wetland areas on the east coast and there was plenty of wetland in our location. pensacola is a semi-tropical region and has a good amount of wetland areas as well.

this heron has flown up within 10 yards of us several times in the last few weeks and it’s an awe inspiring thing to see. most herons we’ve ever even gotten within 20-30 yards of have flipped out and taken off. not this guy. the above picture was taken with him about 15 feet from where we were standing. he stood still long enough for me to take this shot and a couple blurry others, then walked off. we were also rewarded with a brief flash of color in the sky behind him before the sun disappeared for good. we spent a little time reflecting on all the things we’ve done over the last 17 years, watched the sky and the heron a bit more, then took off.

our last stop for the anniversary day was Landry’s Seafood House. we’re not rich folks and we don’t go out eating expensive chow very often, but for special occasions, you’ve got to splurge a bit. landry’s serves some delicious seafood with a very nice, attractive but informal atmosphere. service has been great each time we’ve gone and this night was no different. lise’s mahi-mahi was good and my broiled seafood platter was exceptional. topping it all off was a free piece of chocolate erection cake (ok, ok - it’s actually “chocolate eruption but we shared a huge laugh with the server when we went on lise’s birthday when she talked about another server who kept mispronouncing the name of the cake to customers - it’s stuck and we can’t stop laughing about it). this 7-layer chocolate beast came swimming in a delicious custard sauce that was out of this world.

decency laws and basic respect prevent me from posting pictures of what happened next when we got home, but you can imagine that after 17 years together, we’ve learned how to have a good time. it was a great day and it’s been a great 17 years.

can’t wait to see how the next 17 years unfold.

there are some albums i have on vinyl that have still not been released on CD and this both breaks my heart and makes me smile smugly.

i’ve been an on-again-off-again fan of chick corea since my high school years. corea is one of the most innovative jazz pianists out there - a chameleon of sorts who has changed his style often and leaves me breathless or scratching my head, depending on the album.

back in the early days of my jazz love affair (read: high school) i would frequent several used record shops in the cincinnati area (woodstock, moles, wizards, and ozarka’s all come to mind in the clifton area near UC) and look for new tunes every couple of weeks as the $$ allowed. i found corea’s Return to Forever / Romantic Warrior album on one of these trips and was amazed at the speed and precision that this jazz fusion group could execute. i had also been floored by corea’s crystal silence album with gary burton on vibes - there’s not a more relaxing jazz album i’ve ever heard than this one.
not long after this, i found the griffith park collection. it had many of the return to forever members on it (corea, lenny white, stanley clarke) along with freddie hubbard and joe henderson. reading the liner notes, i saw that this was a mostly unrehearsed album - charts were passed around and the songs were recorded in one take to preserve the spontaneity and improvisational nature of the music. i took this baby home and fired it up - whoa! it became one of my favorite jazz albums on the spot and has never fallen out of grace.

with the advent of cd’s, i have long hoped for this album to be released digitally but it hasn’t happened yet. i recorded it on my record player through my computer several years ago and recently came across the resulting cd as i was rooting through some boxes at the house - i wondered where it had gone and there was a noticeable hole in my ipod without this loaded. all the magic is still there. what a great ensemble of musicians! to hear this thing remixed and remastered for digital? that’d be some awesome stuff.
so, my wish list of LP’s yet to be released on CD:

• the griffith park collection (duh)
• time fades away by neil young (one of the few albums of his not on CD - thankfully i own this LP, too - it’s a classic if you like the off-kilter, depressed neil of the early 70’s. this sucker’s so huge that it’s got it’s own wikipedia page!)
• invitation to openness by les mccann
• live ‘71 by buddy miles
• chick donald walter and woodrow by the woody herman big band

who do i have to sleep with to get these things released digitally??