the road to pensacola, pt. I

complacency: a feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unaware of some potential danger, defect, or the like.

it will be no shock to anyone who knows lise and i to reveal that the last 3+ years have been the worst years of our lives. those of you who know us well know most of what has been going on. no one knows everything but us and even we can’t imagine it sometimes. i’m not up to going step by step through the crap that has brought us here, but suffice it to say that physical, mental, educational, and professional health have not been good during this time.

and as it keeps on going, it starts to chip away at you. piece by piece. almost unnoticeable at times. other times it’s like a jack-hammer.

and as it keeps on going, you start to do things you have to do to make it through.

does this make sense?

when bad / awful / rough / unpleasant stuff keeps coming at you, picking away at you, hammering away at you, you start to make compromises.

compromises: to reduce the quality, value, or degree of something.

they start off small and generally stay small. the problem isn’t any one specific compromise you make – it’s the volume of compromises you end up with.

and i’m not talking about moral compromises here. i’m talking about compromises you make, lies you tell yourself, lies you tell others, things you keep to yourself, things you don’t bring up to friends and family, in order to make it through your day at school or at work or at home – the crap that has to be done to get your head up off the pillow in the morning, plod through another miserable, shitty day with your head down and gritting your teeth, so that you can get back to your pillow at night, exhausted, lonely, angry, frightened, and hope, pray, beg, plead that things will somehow get better the next day or that you’ll die in your sleep so you don’t have to face it again.

and when you hope, pray, beg and plead enough for the first thing and it doesn’t happen, you come to hope for the second thing more and more. and as you swirl into the vortex of crap, you obviously make even more compromises.

lise and i have gotten complacent. complacent with life. complacent with each other. complacent with the things around us. we’ve figured out what we have to do to make it through each day – and we make it through. barely. and after three plus years of complacently living life, complacently accepting that we have jobs we don’t care that much for (that lise hates) that pay for the house that we like, pays for the cars, the food, the bills, and leaves us enough to buy other stuff we want sometimes, complacently living side by side but with little growth and little more than physical companionship, complacently accepting that things suck but that we’re “OK” (in the sense that we’re financially taken care of with our salaries) we’ve realized that we’re not in a good place.

are lise and i in trouble? no. are we miserable together? no, just complacent. are we getting divorced? hahaha – NO WAY! do we still love each other to death? you bet, dude – i’d marry her again in a heartbeat and want to spend the rest of my life with her!

but the life we’re living is horrible. and we can’t imagine spending the rest of our lives together living like this. and we’ve been complacent for too long, letting environmental, physical, mental problems control how we feel, how we live.

we need a crisis. we need something worth fighting for. we need something to rally around and break us out of this complacency, this plodding acceptance that we’re physically comfortable and that hopefully we’ll be mentally and physical-health-wise “OK” (eventually) if we just keep moving – this is where the “potential danger, defect” part of the definition comes into play.

crisis: a crucial or decisive point or situation; a turning point.

if something big doesn’t happen, if a major crisis doesn’t force us to come together, work together again, fight against the things we’ve been telling ourselves, fight against the demons that keep us up at night, fight against the notion that we’re just stuck in a cycle of crap and there’s nothing we can do to change any of it so just accept it and move along – well, we’re going to probably end up sticking our heads in the oven and turning on the gas.

what kind of crisis do we need to start fighting again? how about moving to pensacola?

look for the next post and i’ll explain more.

One thought on “the road to pensacola, pt. I

  1. Pingback: rustypants speaks » the road to pensacola, pt. III

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